CALGARY, Alberta – Russia says it will put out of the International Space Station after 2024 and build its own orbiter. NASA considering 2P Space Agency as a replacement.
Space agencies from the US, Russia, and other partner countries have successfully worked on the ISS since 1998. But due to the rise of geo-political tensions stemming from Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Putin has told international news sources that, “the time has come to do our own thing, and this time I really mean it.”
NASA said it has not been served official notice from the Russian Space Agency but said it’s fed up with the games Putin is playing and that it is already seeking a replacement partner to help conduct zero-gravity space research.
The head of NASA’s ISS division, Dr. Richard (Dick) Cummingsloe, spoke to the associated press today to announce a potential partner, Calgary, Alberta-based 2P News.
“NASA believes 2P News would be an ideal partner to join the ISS. Case in point: I recently learned that 2P News, independent of Russia’s plan to leave the ISS, has already been working on its own “space launcher” that is designed to take 3-4 humans into lower earth orbit, so we have some efficiencies here with these guys. They also have planned a number of experiments that NASA and other space agencies around the world would never have even fathomed. We like them, and I’ll do whatever I can do to get them on board in early 2025.” – Dr. Dick Cummingsloe, NASA
According to sources close to the matter, NASA is especially interested in 2P News’ lineup of experiments including, but not limited, the following:
- The sensory cognitive impacts of micro-gravity on beer pong and tippy cup playability
- Quantifying patterns of alcohol consumption and its effects on the health and wellbeing among dried-up has-been landmen in the oil and gas industry: A mixed-methods cross-sectional study conducted during entering Earth’s atmosphere at 176 times the speed of sound
- Investigating the ability for engineers to create and run excel macros in zero gravity
- Will geologists warp even more spacetime while in lower earth orbit versus on earth’s surface
When asked by NASA about the safety and reliability of the 2P News people space launcher, and whether it will be ready for a 2025 Q1 launch, Dr. Darcy Flowman, head of engineering for the 2P Space Agency said, “Well, the system is still under development and we’re trying to iron out a few kinks. We attempted a short-range test flight last week, and on a completely unrelated note we regret to inform you that Gretel Foonsberger is no longer with 2P. You asked about the propulsion method? It’s proprietary, but I can tell you that it is a multi-stage system that requires copious volumes of diet soda and mentos, roughly 6 million elastic bands, 10 thousand cans of hairspray and BIC lighters, and help from the big roller coaster at Calaway park.”
When pressed about the experience 2P News has with space exploration, Dr. Flowman slowly stepped away from the interviewer in a shifty-eyed manner.
2P News will keep readers apprised on development on this story as they become available.