EDMONTON, Alberta – The loving wife of a man who was forced into a medically-induced coma due to progressively debilitating PTSD-type episodes he was suffering from working with Tan Lambda, P.Eng., a member of APEGSA, is urging the 37 year-old engineer to turn himself in.
Anita B. Jainow, pseudo-widow of Andy Feltherbush, spoke at a news conference at downtown Calgary’s Olympic Plaza venue to a crowd of at least 750 people, the majority of whom share the home address at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk. It is at this press conference where the president of the Association of Professional Engineers and Geo-Scientists of Alberta (APEGSA), publicly announced his organization’s top 5 most wanted members who have all been on the loose for at least 7 months.
Up to $950,000 in rewards have been made available for individuals who provide information that leads to the capture and conviction of these individuals.
“To the engineer who has semi-permanently taken my husband away from me, and a father away from my kids, you destroyed us. You destroyed our family,” said Jainow. “My 6 year-old daughter was hoping to one day become an engineer, but now she thinks they are all very terrible and they should be exterminated. If you turn yourself in, Mr. Lambda, you will allow us to take the next step in this nightmare.”
According to APEGSA records, Mr. Lambda’s offenses are at the top of the list due to the widespread and relentless impact on the community. “We’ve had some members do some terrible things in APEGSA’s 176-year history, but to have Mr. Lambda act in a way to force a co-worker into a medically-induced coma really takes things to the next level for our organization,” a crestfallen Dr. C. Mike Rack, president of APEGSA, told the crowd as tears rolled down his face.
Lambda is one of 5 individuals wanted by APEGSA, and with the help of local authorities, the RCMP, and nearly $1M in rewards, Dr. C. Mike Rack believes he will be found before the end of 2023 Q3.
“If you know where one of these individuals is, the time has come to give them up,” said RCMP Chief Superintendent, Lou Briccant. “Harbouring a fugitive is very difficult at the best of times, but when it’s a professional member of APEGSA, you really don’t understand the instability of your situation. Especially engineers – they are exceptionally shifty characters who can flip on you at a moment’s notice when their spreadsheet crashes or blow-up doll catastrophically deflates due to instantaneous excessive use.”
Here is the full list, in no particular order:
Sal “Da Judge” Ami: This mid-level geologist was reported to have not opened any email communications from APEGSA for personal consumption, but instead he is accused of forwarding the The ePeg newsletters to the general public for the purposes of causing mass boredom and confusion. Sal can be easily lured with a 48-pack box of Crayola crayons. Reward up to $250,000.
Barry “Wickets” Mapole: Mr. Mapole, P.Geo., is wanted on 6 counts of doctoring Professional Development Hours submissions. According to APEGSA records released last Wednesday, he allegedly submitted that he spent 45 hours in 2022 presenting a technical paper at The Rooftop wine bar, and he reported spending 937 hours volunteering as a pole cleaner at the Boudoir Rouge gentlemen’s club. A reward of up to $300,000 for any information resulting in Mapole’s arrest.
Stacy Rect aka “Smiley”: Mrs. Rect, P.Eng. is to be considered armed and dangerous and is to not be approached under any circumstances. She is described as a sturdy, well-upholstered woman, with broad shoulders and a body odour that could take down a mighty mastodon. She is accused of using her P.Eng. stamp to personalize her personal possessions, including text books, lunch kits, takeaway coffee cups, and her ass. She is wanted dead or alive, with up to $400,000 being offered for information leading to her capture and conviction.
Daryl B. Payne aka “Locks”: This junior facilities engineer is wanted for using an illegal title. He belongs to APEGSA as a Member-in-Training, which means he is not permitted to use the term engineer in his title. But according to his employer, Whitecrap Resources, the title that Mr. Payne used on his business cards, BlinkedIn, and his email signature was, “Emperor Engineer Evangelist – Facilities,” which clearly violates Bylaw 178.4, Section F, paragraph 34 of APEGSA’s Code of Conduct.
If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of any of these individuals, please call 1-800-CALL-COP, or contact your local police service or APEGSA directly at 1-855-ENG-BLOW. Authorities remind you to not approach any of these characters without backup.