CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of incompetence” across the oil and gas sector that simply could not be contained in the inaugural award’s ceremony that was held back in 2013.
The original Darcy Awards, described by insiders as “a celebration of the worst and the worser,” were already considered a logistical failure after the judging committee accidentally awarded every category to the same mid-sized company due to an Excel circular reference error.
Undeterred, the committee has doubled down.
“We realized we’d barely scratched the surface,” said Chief Adjudicator Dr. Darcy Flowman, speaking from a hastily constructed podium made of rejected AFE binders and half-empty Yeti mugs. “If anything, Part I was more of a pilot project in underperformance.”
New Categories Announced
Among the newly unveiled awards for Part II:
- “Best Use of a Buzzword Without Understanding It” Award
Won unanimously by a cross-functional team at EnKarma Corporation that deployed the word “quantum-enabled blockchain synergy” in a reservoir simulation meeting, causing three senior engineers to resign on the spot and one to achieve enlightenment. - “Most Creative Reserve Booking” Award
Presented to a junior engineer with Finite Resources Inc., who successfully classified a company’s corporate lunchroom sandwich inventory as proved developed producing (PDP) after observing “consistent depletion trends during Stampede week.” - “Longest Meeting That Could Have Been an Email” Award
This year’s winner ran 11 hours, included 147 slides, and ultimately concluded that “further alignment is required.” Attendees were last seen forming a small, self-governing municipality inside Boardroom C. Of course, this award goes to Bendovus Energy. - “Operational Excellence Through Vibes Alone” Award
Granted to a field team at Cougar Valley Resources that eliminated all instrumentation and instead relied on “gut feel, positive affirmations, and a laminated picture of a pressure gauge.”
Controversy Erupts
The awards were not without controversy. Several nominees protested their inclusion, arguing they had been overlooked since 2013 and deserved lifetime achievement status in underperformance.
One anonymous VP stated, “Frankly, being nominated in only one category diminishes my contributions to systemic inefficiency.”
Meanwhile, a coalition of middle managers has filed a formal complaint after discovering that their entire organizational structure had been nominated as a single entity under the category “Best Redundant Layer.”
Special Recognition
In a surprise move, the committee introduced a “Darcy Platinum Reserve” Lifetime Achievement Award, given to an unnamed executive from the former PeopleMINUS Corporation who successfully:
- Launched 14 strategic initiatives
- Completed zero of them
- Was promoted twice for “visionary leadership”
The acceptance speech lasted 45 minutes and contained no verbs.
Looking Ahead
Plans are already underway for Darcy Awards Part III, tentatively scheduled to take place simultaneously in Calgary, Houston, and “a conceptual offshore jurisdiction to be determined pending regulatory alignment.”
Organizers confirmed that future ceremonies may expand beyond Earth.
“We are currently evaluating underperformance opportunities in low Earth orbit,” said Flowman. “Early indications suggest satellites are already outperforming several departments.”
At press time, the awards committee had accidentally nominated itself for “Best Failure to Recognize Irony.”
