OTTAWA, Ontario – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that the nation’s supply of the mineral docilite is nearly exhausted. He said, “We only have a few more months’ supply left. Once it’s used up, we’ll all turn into Americans.” This incredulous statement drew horrified gasps from the several reporters who bothered to show up for the press conference. He then turned over the press conference to Dr. Bob “Take Off, eh” McKenzie, chief scientist of the Canadian Agency to Canadianize Canada (CACC).
Dr. McKenzie explained the situation to the two people who were still awake, including your 2P News correspondent. He said,
“For many years the government, eh, has added docilite to Canada’s friggin’ beer and the pharmaceutical effect is to induce a cheerful, outgoing attitude on the part of most people, eh. oh, yah, oh, yah. This is what Canada is world-famous for, eh, for being super kind, eh, and for not being hosers, eh. The only known side effect is a few odd speech patterns. By far the most abundant source of docilite is as a byproduct of the thermal upgrading of Alberta tar sands. Now that the whole industry is in the crapper, eh, we are woefully undersupplied.” – Dr. Bob McKenzie
I asked Dr. McKenzie what docilite actually is made of. He replied, “It’s primarily lithium, the same stuff that goes into many batteries today, but as a carbonate it’s also used to treat mental illness, eh. [Our own Andy Killinger takes a massive dose every day.] Docilite has a very complex mineralogy that includes boron, bromine, technetium, plutonium and trace amounts of neon, argon, krypton, xenon and vibranium.”
The question was posed to Mr. Trudeau if it would be in Canada’s best interest to restart tar sand production in order to maintain the supply of docilite. A dark cloud formed over Trudeau’s head and he nearly screamed, “If [Alberta Premier] Kenney were on fire I wouldn’t piss on him to put it out! We’ll find another source. I have put Dr. McKenzie in charge of Operation Warm Sleet to develop a synthetic docilite. We expect results by the end of the decade.”
Monsieur Pierre Francais-Allemagne, CEO of Moosepeace Beer, wondered what all the fuss was about. He said that the same calming effect of docilite could be easily achieved with the consumption of only two more cans daily of Moosepeace beer. He added that the additional consumption would be “Good for you, good for Canada and especially good for me.” Alternatively, the alcohol content of Moosepeace could be increased, thus avoiding a couple of extra trips to the loo in the middle of the night.