Artist's rendition of a passenger on the proposed Whistle Pig personal transportation system

EDMONTON, Alberta – After a memorandum of understanding (MOU) with Toronto-based TransPod Inc. for a multi-billion dollar hyperloop transportation project fell through last week, Premier Kenney has decided to take revolutionizing high-speed inter-city transportation into the province’s own hands. The Alberta premier has assembled a 21-member committee to over the design of a SuperHyperLoop system that claims a top speed of 17,000 km/hr. Kenney spoke to reporters as he was removing his bib after lunch at Sherwood Park’s legendary Leroy’s BBQ & Waffles Shack.

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When our great province salvages hundreds of kilometres of 30″ oil pipeline, we band together to hyper-charge YYC to YEG intercity personal transportation. This project will be a testament to the resourcefulness of all albertans! So I introduce to you… the ‘Whistle Pig.’ And Let me very clear… this gig will flip yo wig back!” – Premier Kenney

Premier Jason “Smokehouse” Kenney talking to reporters outside of a Sherwood Park BBQ shack about the proposed project

According to sources very close to the Whistle Pig project, the project will leverage the resourcefulness of Alberta’s government and people to make this project a success. The source also leaked a number of technical specifications about the proposed 300km SuperHyperLoop system that will be built from pipeline that the government acquired from Kijiji a few weeks ago.

  • A passenger sits down in a foam-based pod, whose seat is raked back at about a 87 degree angle, so he or she is effectively lying down. The pods are designed to fold into backpacks for the passengers to carry.
  • The system uses Dual-Push-Pull™ technology. On the transmission side, the pods are pushed along the link using ignited compressed natural gas. On the receiving side, a series of recommissioned solar-powered wind turbines create a low pressure envelope to pull the pod along while reducing drag.
  • Average velocity in the 2 minute trek is 9,000 km/hr topping out at just under 17,000 km/hr as it passes Leduc on a northbound trip.
  • Pods are designed to accelerate at 72 m/s/s and only start to decelerate when it reaches the 95% mark of its total travel path. Engineers do suspect that g-forces, both positive and negative, could be a safety concern, but they claim that, “clever amusement park type marketing should be able to get us around that ‘issue.'”
  • “The passenger is basically sitting in a piston, if you wish, of an internal combustion engine with one cylinder that is 300km long…. “Let me pause just there to reiterate…”
  • Passengers can opt for an open cockpit pod for that ‘hair blowing in the wind’ type feel.
Passengers from Saskatchewan will be forced to wear this get-up when they use the Whistle Pig.

If the Calgary to Edmonton pilot is successful, the UCP plans to start construction on a Phase 2 that will tie the Whistle Pig into Grand Prairie, Fort McMurray and as far east as Medicine hat.

But not everybody is in favour of the bleeding-edge transportation idea. Leader of Alberta’s official opposition, Rachel Notley, believes that such a system both blows and it sucks, at the same time.

Rachel Notley

“I, and a number of my former NDP MLAs, recently received an invitation from an unnamed organization claiming that it will pay us each $150 to help test a brand new prototype ‘World’s longest linear and flat roller coaster’. The letter said something about providing support to unemployed former NDP MLAs. Anyhow, The must think we are idiots. I won’t budge for anything under $300!


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