- Brovid variant, which originated in Toronto, Ontario makes the Delta variant look like child’s play
- Brovid symptoms include precipitous drops in credit rating and an uncontrollable urge to do the “running man” in public spaces
- Calgary-based Broderna Pharmaceuticals rushing to bring next-gen vaccine to market
EDMONTON, Alberta – Modelling from a group of British Columbia researchers predicts Alberta will see a fourth wave of COVID-19 that will dwarf the previous 3 waves combined. The study suggests that this wave will be driven primarily by the new Brovid variant coupled with unvaccinated individuals. The model suggests that roughly 3,500 fully immunized Albertans will also be infected with the Brovid strain each day by late-September, although the majority of these cases would never be detected because they are asymptomatic.
The Brovid variant, first identified at a backyard cookout in the Lawrence Heights neighbourhood of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, is already understood to be significantly more infectious than the previously dominant Alpha and Delta variants that were detected in Alberta. Brovid J.08.Z, as it is officially called, is throwing medical professionals and researchers for a loop because of its odd set of symptoms that do not resemble those of original COVID-19 and its variants. Dr. Ilene Nover, an ER physician at Calgary’s Municipal Health Centre, describes the what she has seen develop over the past few months as the new strain has now become the dominant strain by a long shot.
“It started with patients coming into the ER impulsively and repeatedly muttering the terms ‘Jive-time sucka’ and ”Dy-no-mite!’ under their breath. I’ve never seen anything like it. In the weeks following the mutterings, these patients would develop more severe symptoms including reports that their credit ratings dropping precipitously. What’s more is that roughly 20 per cent of them developed a gait reminiscent of george jefferson. I knew it was very serious when at least 3 of my outpatients returned saying that were routinely pulled over for DWB (driving while Black) infractions.” – Dr. Ilene Nover
According to studies by Health Canada, traditional mRNA and virus-vector based vaccines are rendered almost completely useless against the highly transmissible Brovid variant due to the fact that it does not use the spike protein as a replication mechanism. But Calgary-based Broderna Pharmaceuticals believes it might just have the answer. The 17-person startup is currently trying to fast-track its Broderna vaccine that the company has tested to be no less than 84% effective against the new strain. It claims that its vaccine’s patented Authoriphobic properties are the key to this performance.
While Broderna wraps up its clinical trials and awaits approval of its new vaccine, researchers have found a number of treatments that will help those who have contracted the Brovid variant. These treatments include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Binge watching reruns of Good Times, Sandford and Sons, and The Jeffersons
- Consumption of copious volumes of grape soda
- The application of fried chicken grease to temples and the upper lip
- Listening to anything from Parliament or Bootsy Collins on repeat for no fewer than 3 hours per day, 4 times a week.
Not to discount what the BC researchers have presented, Alberta has now completed its own internal modelling around a fourth wave of the pandemic, but has not released its numbers to the public. However, Dr. Heehaw said during a meeting with Alberta physicians last week that there is nothing to worry about since the Brovid variant primarily really only hurts those who are unvaccinated. She continued, “And we’ve been telling Albertans since day 1 that getting vaccinated is the only way to our Open for Summer plan! At least that what my boss tells me. Are we going to impose any restrictions? Well, just look at my bangs. I don’t think they are going to be seeing a hairdresser any time soon!”