This is what the stuff looks like.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – Soose Exploration Co. of Surrey, BC reported that an exploratory well on the edge of the King Derwin Field in north central BC has struck oobleck rather than petroleum.  However, the company lost control of the well and it is flowing an estimated 500 bbl/day.  Oobleck is threatening to spread beyond the wellsite and into a nearby river, endangering fish and wildlife.

Bartholomew Cubbins

Company president Bartholomew Cubbins spoke via Zoom to 2P News correspondent Cynthia Redbush regarding the discovery.  “We knew it was oobleck the moment we first saw it.  The green color and gooey consistency was a dead giveaway.  As the well depth approached 2,000 meters it started coming up the drill pipe and instantly gummed up the blowout preventers so they couldn’t close.  It just keeps on coming.  We have bulldozed up a berm around the wellsite that is 2 meters high.  We may have to build a secondary berm even higher.”

Professor Gu Phee of the Department of Alchemy at the University of Vancouver said that the discovery of underground oobleck was unprecedented.  He said, “In the past it has always fallen from the sky like rain.  Perhaps this will lead us to the origin of the skyfall oobleck that has plagued so many storybook kingdoms.  It has always been assumed that its appearance was the result of magic gone awry, but now there’s evidence of an earthly source.”

In the past oobleck rain could be dispersed with the incantation “shuffle duffle muzzle muff” administered by a member of the International Brotherhood of Magicians.  This has not worked at the blowout site.  A wild well control company has been summoned to cap the well, but this may prove to be more of a problem that it might seem.  Wading through all that oobleck to get to the wellhead is likely to prove impossible.  Customized equipment may have to be designed and built.  A representative of the well control company said, “This is like trying to clean up molasses, only ten times worse.”

Soose company stock has gone to nearly zero and trading has been suspended on the Toronto stock exchange.  Oobleck has no practical uses and disposing of thousands of barrels of the stuff will cost millions.


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