Rachel Notley greeting onlookers at her election night rally headquarters.

EDMONTON, Alberta – Alberta NDP Leader Rachel Notley stepped to the podium to thunderous applause and praise on election night despite her party suffering an orange-crushing defeat at the hands of the UCP. Mrs. Notley pledged to continue leading the party even though many political pundits feel it is time for the longest seated Alberta MLA to hang them up and pump some new blood into NDP leadership.

Notley said she was proud of the party’s results in Monday’s hard-fought election, adding that they were expecting to increase the number of seats, which they did, but admitted that there was, “a lot of work that the party has to do in order to make a run at top spot once Danielle’s party falls apart in the next 3 months,” said the wrinkly former-premier.

Rachael Notley without makeup.

“Okay, okay… so in 2015 we cleaned house with our orange crush movement to take a majority with seats won by gender-fluid tattooed candidates with purple hair who worked at coffee shops. This time around, that trick didn’t work, we got orange crushed. there is no miracle on the prairies in 2023, but we are orange, we are proud, and we are resilient, so people better be ready for 2027!” – Rachael Notley, Alberta NDP leader

Danielle Smith (L) thanking Rachel Notley for a great election run after they gave their post-election speeches.

According to the NDP’s press secretary, Mrs. Notley plans to improve the party’s position in Alberta right away, by implementing measures to up-cycle thousands of lawn and median campaign signs strewn across the province.

  1. To support the plight of healthcare workers, and in particular ER staff, the NDP will recycle 15 per cent of the signs into reusable COVID-19 masks. The fibres in the signs is nature’s perfect filtering medium and the masks will have a very attractive orange hue.
  2. Convert the residential lawn signs to For Sale signs for homeowners who are looking to leave the province after the NDP’s defeat.
  3. Repurpose a good chunk of the larger median signs as playground mulch. Studies have shown that kids fair much better emotionally when playing on playground surfaces that have an orange tinge.
  4. Donate a portion of the smaller signs to the Ministry of Education to be used as craft materials for K-10 school-goers to make Halloween pumpkins.
  5. Cancel the Ministry of Transportation’s order for 100,000 new traffic danger cones, and instead use rolled up lawn signs.
  6. Many of the lawn signs will be converted into paper airplane type structures that will be launched by NDP MLAs towards Danielle Smith during legislature sessions.
  7. Any remaining signs will be repurposed as fake oranges that promise to make you smarter and healthier, while they just slowly kill you.
  8. Process the orange dye out of the signs and use it as an additive to the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Carrots vegan-friendly product hitting shelves this fall.

The party is also looking at options to change its name in Alberta, to separate it from federal NDP party whose leader spends most of his time under the Prime Minister’s desk. Some options bandied around by Alberta NDP top brass include, but is not exclusive, the following names:

  • WWP Party: The Wait! We’re in Power? Party
  • NSNDP: The Not So New Democratic Party
  • NSJWP: The New Social Justice Warrior Party
  • WNJP: The Woke is No Joke Party
  • BWSP: The Beats Working at Starbucks Party
  • POP: The Perpetual Opposition Party
  • NYPNDPP: The Not Your Parents’ NDP Party

Only time will tell if the NDP’s new tactics will work, but in the meantime, we here at 2P News look forward to seeing what first-class opposition tomfoolery Mrs Notley and her Notley Crue will bring to legislature.


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