EDMONTON, Alberta – While the EnDeePee and YouSeePee spar over what is best for Albertans from the point of view of the economy, inflation, healthcare, education, and jobs creation, the Alberta Marijuana Party has been emerging from the weeds with yet another candidate entering the race in the Smokey Valley riding, making for a total of 17 candidates. Word on the streets is that Albertan’s can expect at least 25 more candidates to join various ridings across Alberta, which means that the Alberta Marijuana Party will be able to give the two top parties a good run for their money.
“Give them a run for their money? I think we can take this Alberta election,” says party leader, Sparky Giggletwig. Mr. Giggletwig told 2P News’ political correspondent Mike Rotchburns that he, “fully expects this to be a 3-horse election, and I think we have the fastest horse. The strength of our platform rests on campaign promises that will make a difference for all Albertans – this is why we are seeing people joining our party in droves and have many putting their names in a hat for their riding. We have the EnDeePee so far to the left that they are falling off the political spectrum, and the YouSeePee doing the same on the right side. I think the key to our success is that we are in the middle, far right, to the far left, and we span everything in between. Our platform is designed to make everybody happy, all of the time – something thought impossible in politics. How will we do it? With cannabis-related initiatives that will provide relief for all. Our campaign slogan is ‘You can’t have weed without WE,’ and our mission is to Make Alberta Fun Again, so how can we lose? MAFA… MAFA!! MAFA!!! MAFA!!!”
If elected, here are a few of the top campaign promises that the Alberta Marijuana Party (AMP) is sure to enact within weeks of taking office.
Wildfire Smoke Replacement Program: If Alberta is going to burn up every summer resulting in a heavy blanket of smoke descending on the province’s citizens, why not have some fun with it? The party will employ a fleet of crop dusting light aircraft to dump hash oil and unsellable cannabis manufacturing seconds onto forest fires. According to the AMP, this will provide a level of THC consumption equivalent to one pinner per 6 hours in the outdoors in most regions of the province.
Forest Fire Restoration Program: Forest fires are detrimental to forests and the trees within them. To help restore and reclaim the burned-out landscape, the AMP will plant 2 cannabis plants for every coniferous tree damaged by fire. The idea with this program is that over time, it will reduce the cost of the Wildfire Smoke Replacement program mentioned above.
Return of the Oil and Grass Conference: Back in August, 2014, some confusion around what the downtown Calgary business types thought was an Oil and Gas conference was indeed an Oil and Grass conference, headlined by none other than Calvin Broadus (aka Snoop Dogg). The conference, which disrupted downtown Calgary for over 24 hours, will be brought back to life at every Alberta municipality containing at least 100,000 residents.
Cannabis Education: The AMP will introduce a cannabis education program in classrooms from K through grade 12 by way of a new series of classes about the benefits of theoretical and philosophical auras and energies. Although not mandatory, these encouraged courses are designed to help children find themselves through the vision of their 3rd eye.
Anti-ADHD Program: Attention deficit and hyperactive disorder has been a serious problem for the past few decades. With children being diagnosed with the clinical disorder as young as 6 years old. If elected, the AMP will introduce a “Chill Out in the Classroom” program whereby any child with a hyperactive diagnosis will have classroom-access to edibles to help them along their educational journey. With THC concentrations ranging from 1mg gummies (for grades 6 and under) and up to 30mg Hendrix brownies (for only grade 12), studies have shown that the chilled out nature of the kids on edibles will help them focus on their studies.
When reached for comment, the leader of the AMP was on a snack break and therefore too busy to chat. The Alberta Election, set for May 29th, 2023, is setting up to be quite the event.