CALGARY, Alberta – 2P News is proud to announce that we will be offering a variety of programs for readers who want or need to lose weight without resorting to fad diets or expensive drugs.
Our best and most effective program requires that the enrollee come to our office once a week. Then, Andy Killinger will repeatedly punch you in the stomach. After he’s through, we guarantee that you will not want (or be able) to eat anything for a week. For a massive surcharge Andy will come to your home or office and perform the procedure.
A somewhat less physically painful program requires you to sit through endless videos of Canadian parliamentary debates. The resulting nausea is almost as effective as Andy’s stomach pummeling. However, we have to limit the number of speakers from the NDP to one per session. We’re sadistic but we don’t want to anyone to commit suicide.
We are re-introducing a sure-fire weight reduction method that was first used in the 19th century. [This is true. – Ed.] All you have to do is swallow one capsule. The capsule contains the egg of a tapeworm. Once it hatches and takes up residence in your intestines, weight will drop off like magic, right down to zero.
Another approach is to make food indigestible or calorie-negative. For example, it takes more calories to eat and digest celery than it has in food value. We have developed a whole set of negative-calorie foods that we are keeping secret until we’re sure they’re safe, or at least sort of safe. We’re experimenting with making poutine out of sawdust and so far so good, but the gravy made out of library paste causes irreversible constipation.
So why are we doing this? Both as a public service to fat people everywhere and to make a little money because we really need some income. We tried charging for a subscription to 2P News, but we found that absolutely no one was willing to pay even a single loonie. In fact, some people even wanted us to pay them for reading it.
We expect the roll-out for our programs to happen.