CALGARY, Alberta – Every year the Stampede of Calgary draws visitors from all over the world. And every year there are new refreshments and snacks created to represent everything the Stampede and Alberta stands for. 2024 is looking to be a record-breaking year in this regard. Here is our Top Ten list of culinary surprises that you can expect to find at this year’s Greatest Show on the Planet.
The Shake Shaker: A effervescent non-alcoholic beverage made from fresh limeade, aerated black popping boba balls, candied ginger, and topped with julienned hibiscus flower, all served in a vibrating tumbler. As the tumbler shakes in your hand, the boba “bubbles” rise to the top of the drink and break apart to mimic oil shows. For an extra $1.99, upgrade to bitumen flavoured bobas for that next-level realistic punch. ($$)

The RF Burger: This new classic burger comprises a stack of 4 quarter-pound patties, Swiss chard, 6 slices of aged American cheese and finished with “I can’t believe it’s not naphthalene” spread. The idea is that you will be able to eat 8-10% of the burger under primary without any drink, and consume another 4-5% of if it while drinking water under IOR, and when you switch up the water for a CO2-charged soda, you’ll be able to eat an additional 5-6% of it. But it is impossible to eat the entire burger. ($$$)


Unrelated news: NASCAR to phase out the term “Blew a Tranny” effective immediately.
The Transwich: This is a 2 API paste-like substance made from liver pate, raw onions, ground Brussels sprouts, fermented Baltic Sea herring fillets, duck fetus, and maggot cheese that is piped into a seaweed sushi cone. The secret here is that this food item identifies as the $214 Quintessential Grilled Cheese sandwich sold at NYC’s world-famous Serendipity3 cafe, and it sells for twice its price. ($$$$$$)
2SLGBTQ Special: This is a bowl filled with nothing but Lettuce, Gravy, Bacon, Tomatoes, and Quiche and 2 Sausages. Once you finish this bowl you’ll be feeling happier than a lark and instantly acquire ROGD (rapid onset gender dysmorphia). And as an added bonus, your hair will magically become multi-coloured, your attire will transform from chic to super drab, and your instinctual defence mechanism will be to scream at the top of your lungs in a super high-pitch voice until you are standing alone. (No cost)
Unemployed reservoir engineer Seymour Weiner, P.Eng. before eating the 2SLGBTQ Special (L), and a few minutes after finishing it.
The Sandwitch: Rye toast, ham, cheese, and coarse sand mustard. A gritty and spicy sandwitch made for those with a stomach made of steel. Add a side of Wang Fries and a glass of Dick Punch to make it a combo. ($$$)
Porosity Pizza: This pie has so many holes you’ll never be full. Mostly just a crust-circle with no centre or toppings because they all just eroded away. ($)
Shale Salad: A new alternative to Kale and 5 times tastier! Finely ground Eagleford powdered shale has over 99.6% of the hydrocarbons removed, then it’s mixed with a spicy ranch dressing and poured over a mixture of leaf red cabbage, cucumber, and thinly sliced and roasted corn on the cob. Don’t get far from the porta-potties, this one likes to run, just like our Prime Minister! ($$)
The Shale Salad part-way through its preparation. Note the powered Eagleford powered shale, which adds to this salad’s textural diversity.
Halite Hummus Dip: From the depths of a carbon storage cavern comes the saltiest thing you’ve tasted since college. Deep earth halite ground just right and mixed into a Mediterranean Hummus for dipping Wang fries! Perfectly paired with a Melon Celebration cocktail from Heidi’s Henhouse behind the midway. ($$)
Geological Goulash: A spicy blend of a geologist’s favourite foods: banana, granola, beer, pizza, and roadkill, all blended together in a Vitamix with hot sauce and mayonnaise. This concoction tastes so good it’ll make you see your own faults! ($$$)
SCAL-a-uccino: This coffee is like none other. Enjoy A mix of water and and the finest Arabica grinds repeatedly forced through 2 meters of full-diameter core by a pressure differential of just over 10 MPA until the irreducible grinds saturation reaches 5%. Depending on the formation chosen at order time, you will be greeted with anything from a light and frothy 40 API Oungre B&C roast to a very bold 3 API Clearwater Sandstone blend. This coffee is served in a container made from a half-section of carved out full-diameter core that you can bring home. Beware the lead time on this specialty drink is about 90 minutes and, as served, this coffee weights nearly 35 pounds. ($$$$$$)
Senior barista, Franco Vincenzino, inspecting a full-diameter core to ensure it meets quality standards for the SCAL-a-uccino.
So there you have it! Git on down to the Stampede of Calgary and try out some of these new drinks and snacks today! Tell ’em 2P News sent you and receive 17% of the price of admission.


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