Fort McMurray, AB – In what industry insiders are calling “the most innovative safety training initiative since flame-retardant coveralls,” a group of exotic dancers has founded PoleStar Training Ltd., an oil and gas safety ticket training school where industry-standard certifications are taught exclusively by professional strippers, both male and female (but primarily the latter), wearing bikinis, lingerie, or – for premium courses – nothing but steel-toed boots and safety glasses.
Despite the unconventional attire, the program is surprisingly professional. “We follow every Energy Safety Canada guideline to the letter,” said co-founder and lead instructor Chardonnay “Chaz” Steele, who taught last week’s H2S Alive course while twirling around a fire extinguisher pole. “The only difference is we do it while looking damn good. Eye contact and safety go hand in hand.”
The initiative has become such a hit that courses are completely sold out until late 2027. Rumours suggest there’s a 14-month waitlist for “ladies-only” classes that may or may not actually exist.
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Sample Courses on Offer:
- H2S Aroused – Learn hydrogen sulfide safety while an instructor demonstrates proper use of SCBA masks… followed by improper use of SCBA masks.
- WHMIS ‘n’ Whips – Covers all hazardous materials classifications. Each symbol is “creatively” body-painted on your instructor. Students claim retention rates are at record highs.
- Fall Protection (and Seduction) – Demonstrates the dangers of working at heights, but somehow involves lace garters, carabiners, and a strategically placed harness.
- Ground Disturbance 101 (Shake It, Don’t Break It) – Learn excavation best practices while instructors explain utility strikes by gyrating over hand-drawn maps.
- First Aid with First Base – CPR dummies never had it so good. Trainees are provided with Resusci Annie blow-up dolls with permanent lipstick to take home for practice.
Courses are held in hotel conference rooms (sometimes dedicated hotel rooms), as well as private evening sessions staged on and around field office trailers once day crews are finished. “It’s the only training I’ve ever looked forward to,” said a Boogey Energy operator who just renewed his TDG ticket behind a welding shack while a dancer named Misty reviewed placards in a French maid outfit. Outfits that book more than 15 sessions per month with at least 10 participants will be treated to a gourmet, all-you-can-eat Muff and Buff™ lunch.
Because PoleStar is a certified training provider, companies can expense the costs as taxable training deductions. As a result, Wilder & Wilder Resources, Finite Oil, and Boogey Energy have already signed multi-year contracts for in-house sessions.
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Not everyone is thrilled. Female employees across most industry sectors are furious, calling the move “sexist, degrading, and wildly inappropriate.” Except for land. The land department, as usual, has no problem with it. “We’ve been booking the 7 p.m. slot every Thursday,” said one landman with a suspicious grin. “This new training is not-negotiable. I need to be as safe as possible when entertaining clients in the field”, he continued.
Industry analysts predict this new model could revolutionize oilfield safety education. “It combines the two things Alberta men love most: not dying on the job and strippers,” said Dr. Rex von Gaslamp, professor of Petroleum Anthropology at the University of Red Deer’s Centre for Unconventional and New Technology.
PoleStar is now exploring an expansion into the U.S. market, where Texan roughnecks are reportedly demanding that the school be franchised in Midland yesterday.
