RODEO, Arkansas – Market experts have yet to explain yet another surge in the price of crude oil in North America.  A recent spike to almost $127 per barrel was seen yesterday at close of the commodity markets and no one can explain why.  One market analyst from Schroeder & Williams Bank in the panhandle of South Georgia claims to have  a link to the volatility of today’s oil prices.

Collin Collins loves his Salami!
Collin Collins loves his Salami!

If you look at the relationship between obesity these days and the amount of coke we drink, multiply that by an average amount of mayonnaise on a sandwich from IHOP, then use a root trend function over the square of the gross domestic use of petroleum in each state.  It is just so clear.  The amount of lunch meat consumed in our country has a direct relationship to the use and price of oil.  I can’t understand why no one has figured this out before us.  It is so dead ass simple! – Collin “Bubba” Collins, CGA

As the price of oil continues to climb, a simple correlation can be made to a lunch meat crisis in Arkansas, where a lunch meat processing facility owned by Canadian Meat Packer Marble Leaf has had another little upset with their cleaning procedures, resulting in s shut down by the Arkansas Health and Safety Controller.  This shut down seems to line up perfectly with a recent uptick in the oil trend, and seems to be gaining the longer the lunch meat is off the shelves.

Some sort of lunch meat graph given in the presentation, we’re not sure either

I see a trend, but I am pretty sure it is coincidence.  Why in god’s name would lunch meat have anything to do with the price of oil?  It makes no sense. – Greg Hill. Analyst at Silverman Sacks.


A copy of the economic derivation has been faxed (yes, faxed) to the 2P office for verification and observation, followed by some laughter, and then more verification.  It appears he carried a mayo when he should have divided by a pickle to get the correct result, but other than that, the theory is sound.  Nothing else in this world makes the price of oil seem rational, so we will side with Bubba on this one.  Lunchmeat.


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