BREA, California – Let’s do a little housecleaning and dispose of a number of items that have been mouldering in my notebook:
- If you hold a weasel up to your ear, you will hear the sound of a weasel ripping your ear off.
- Nitrogen in the atmosphere is slowly killing you, but it may take up to a hundred years.
- You can’t clean anything without making something else dirty.
- Finish the fight before you and your spouse go to bed.
- My parents asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a comedian. They laughed at me.
- If you want to get along with your family, live on the other side of the country.
- If you want someone to be happy when you come home, get a dog.
- In ancient Egypt cats were considered gods. They haven’t forgotten this.
- Skinflints are no fun to be around but they make great old maid aunts and bachelor uncles.
- Hard work probably won’t kill you but why risk it?
- High school algebra is a total waste for 99% of the population.
- By the time you’re 100 years old, you’ve learned everything but can’t remember it.
- Gossip is the smoke from what other people assume is a fire.
- It’s easy to recommend a solution when you really don’t know what the problem is.
- Wine is vital to food preparation. You can even put it in the food.
- The truth suffers when a person is drunk, in love or running for office.
- How a person deals with slow wi-fi on their phone reveals much about their personality.
- There’s nothing medically wrong with me that an expensive operation can’t prolong.
- I’m so old now that even going to the grocer is an adventure.
- Women are crazy and men are stupid. The reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
- The reason I don’t believe in reincarnation is if you don’t remember how you screwed up last time, then what’s the point?
- If psychics are for real then why don’t they win all the lotteries?
- At my age I remember my first grade teacher but not what I ate for lunch.
- My advice to newlyweds who want to stay married is to live somewhere with two bathrooms.
- Don’t you wish that people came with a mute button?
- No, I haven’t yet begun to procrastinate.
- I used to wake up Grumpy but then I sent her back to England.
- Do atheists Thank God it’s Friday?
Well, there you have it. I’m happy to get that off my chest. If you have any musings to share, please do in the comments.