RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – In a first of its kind in the international oil and gas sector, industry-leading Saudi Terrifico has announced that it will call it quits and shut down business for good. The 187.8254 million barrel-a-day oil producer, that just last quarter posted net earnings of $420B, plans to officially close its doors by the end of Q4 2014.
The company’s Chairman of the Board, Dr. Khuzaymah Amatallah Mosteghanemi, explains the rationale behind the decision:
Okay. Hello. Good morning. Welcome. My company, Saudi Terrifico, and every one of its investors, board members, executives, and even staff have so much money, we do not even know what to do with it. And we all want to retire, so we have decided the best thing to do is simply close down the business, so that we can all refocus on taking it easy. – Dr. Mosteghanemi, President and King
According to the company’s press secretary, Dubai-born and raised Mrs. Betty Cooper, Saudi Terrifico plans to keep the vast majority of its lands and reserves base. The company will reclaim and restore every one of its onshore leases to virgin conditions (sand), and convert each one of its offshore platforms into a piece of floating artwork. The balance of its lands will be sold to raise money for these reclamation efforts.
Dr. Mosteghanemi continues, “we will not sell our production and reserves because we want to remove our daily volumes from the market to drive up oil prices, thereby doing a favour for all of our competitors world-wide.”
Oil and gas industry analysts and the heads of other operating companies are not sure what to make of the news. Houston based Andrews & Sons Energy advisors believe that Saudi Terrifico would have been better off financially had the company sold off all of its assets to raise more money – “I realize that they were shutting down a wildly profitable company because they had too much money, but they could have donated the proceeds of its asset sales to charity.” – Archie Andrews, team lead.
OPEC members from neighbouring regions are outraged that they were not given an opportunity to bid for the lands being retained. For Emgibah Energy and Transandune Resources, that type of reserves base could have re-written the economic outlook for their whole country.
We are disappointed and saddened by Terrificos decision to keep their existing production. With a land and reserve base the likes of Saudi Terrifico we could have built an oil production base large enough to save Kimbekinistan from the terrible bad money news we are getting. We could have had a new Benz for every house, and gold watches and rings would have fallen from the heavens! – Umbilla Mohammed Safainee, PR Director at Transandune Resources
“I love the idea!” claims Reggie Mantle, CEO of 1.2 Million barrel-a-day Riverdale Energy, “I can expect the drop in oil supplies to jack up prices by at least 35%. Running some quick economics revealed that this will positively impact our bottom line significantly. Even more than that cheese sandwich I had for lunch!”