As the latest addition to the 2P News staff, perhaps the best way for our readers to become acquainted with Sir William Shortspeare is to conduct an interview with him. That interview was recorded yesterday as Sir William sat down with 2P News’ very own Lifestyle editor Yu Mii; the transcript follows:
Yu Mii: Sir William, you’ve been reporting for 2P News several months now. Do you find your new avocation to be fulfilling?
Sir William: <spoken slowly in the most upscale British of British accents> Oh yes indeed. The ability to use the internet to spread my evil message has been very fulfilling. Those who forced my early retirement will continue to feel the sting of my barbs and arrows. When I receive my first paycheck from 2P News I will use it to [criminal intent deleted].
Yu Mii: Paycheck? What in hell did Flowman and McGuilicuddy tell you?
Sir William: I was promised a sizeable share of the revenue from paid subscriptions.
Yu Mii: There are no paid subscriptions and thus no revenue.
Sir William: Bloody hell!
Yu Mii: Your biography states that you are lord of Bentknee Manor in Slopshire, yet you live now in Southern California.
Sir William: Lady Shortspeare is in residence at Bentknee Manor. Having an ocean and a continent between us has been most gratifying. We get along famously now.
<Without notice or explanation, Sir William excused himself to go suck on a pipe and comb his moustache.>
Yu Mii: You graduated from Clovenhoof College. Where is that located?
Sir William: It is just outside Aberystwyth on the road to Cotswolds-Thistlethwaite. If you arrive at Fishguard you’ve gone too far. Turn around and seek the signpost for Applejam-on-Whitbred. It will be on the left right behind the hedgerow. Clovenhoof is only a few furlongs farther. The letterbox out front is painted in the school colors: red, purple, silver, green and black.
Yu Mii: Sorry I asked. How do you find stories to cover?
Sir William: There are several ways. I read a lot of trade journals and scandal sheets. I call around to my friends and acquaintances and ask for leads. That, or I just make up something.
Yu Mii: Make up something? But 2P is a news organization that adheres to the strictest journalistic standards and editorial integrity!
Sir William: Good Lord, Yu, don’t you ever read this slander yourself? 2P News’ standards are felonies in many jurisdictions.
Yu Mii: I think that will be all for now. Thanks for your time. I suggest you retain an attorney.
Sir William: Bloody hell!
Is Sir William available for moustache rides?
I have no clue, so you’ll have to ask him, Kate. If you’re not comfortable asking Sir William directly, then ask Antoine, I’m pretty sure he knows.
On a trip to California I had occasion to finally meet the old goat. Believe me, you don’t want to get anywhere near that moustache. God knows what is living in there.