Mr. Geruch Pohl-Katz, Chief Operating Officer of Cheaterson Energy recently instituted a controversial new policy for all staff at its Calgary, Alberta headquarters. At least once a year each staffer must spend a week at a field location to learn first-hand how the oil and gas extraction business actually works.
He said, “Most of the staff here in Calgary wouldn’t know a drilling rig from a cell tower. This unfamiliarity with operations has led to numerous problems. For example, an operations clerk charged a drilling AFE for the cost of a rotary table that turned out to be a lazy susan installed in the company cafeteria.”
Those employees who are physically capable will be expected to move pipe, shovel out the shale bin and perform other such roustabout services. Persons with physical limitations will be required to assist the mudlogger or wellsite geologist. Oh, and for the people who will try to turn this into a company-paid vacation, I will be personally approving all expense reports for field visits and I know damned well we don’t have any operations in Banff or Lake Louise. – Mr. Pohl-Katz, Cheaterson COO
Cheaterson staffer (and 2P News correspondent) Antoine McGuilicuddy was one of the first to go out into the field and he complained, “The most horrible part of the experience was that the PPE (personal protective equipment) is so unfashionable. Gucci does not make steel-toed loafers and it is impossible to find comfortable Nomex garments. And those ghastly goggles you’re supposed to wear? Out of the question! They may as well be Oakleys.” Mr. McGuilicuddy rambled on for another half hour saying nothing of substance.
However, not everyone is so pessimistic of the new policy. Receptionist and part-time lingerie model Heidi Büstenhalter is eagerly awaiting her opportunity to go. She said, “Just imagine, a camp full of men who have been isolated for weeks and months! I’ll make a fortune! I’m renting a motorhome with heavy duty suspension.”
Ms. Büstenhalter was recently in the news for photobombing Justin Bieber’s last spread in Tiger Beat wearing nothing but a smile.
Fearful of being accosted or ambushed by irate employees, the executives of Cheaterson exempted themselves from the field requirement. Vice president of Human Resources Fyrum Aull was quizzed on the legality of the exemption by Mr. McGuilicuddy. He responded, “This is Canada, not the U. S., so we can treat employees any way we want to. No soup for you! Clear out your desk.”
I know Ms. “B” and she’s a “D”. Specifically, a 42D.