DALLAS, Texas – The U. S. Public Health Service revealed today that its elite SWAT team was called in to secure, quarantine and decontaminate the men’s room at Bigass Oil Company in Dallas. After a 911 call from a woman who accidentally opened the wrong door, first responders from the local emergency service were quickly overwhelmed by the extent of the damage and contamination and quickly called in the Public Health Service.
Dr. Gonzo Peckerman, PHS epidemiologist and part-time parking lot attendant, explained,
“Thank goodness we have a team prepared to respond so quickly. Personally, it was the most god-awful thing I’ve ever seen. All manner of detritus and indeterminate organic matter was plastered to the floor, walls and ceiling. Empty Moosepeace beer cans were everywhere. The cans lead us to believe it was the aftermath of a group of visiting Canadians having a private Calgary Stampede party. We checked with our liaison at the Public Health Agency of Canada and he confirmed the high probability.
Dr. Peckerman continued, “The SWAT team did a quick reconnaissance and realized that their Level B hazmat suits were inadequate for the situation and retreated until better equipment arrived on location. A portable airlock and decontamination unit was set up at the building’s entrance. The men’s room was re-entered and samples carefully taken. The samples were properly encased and flown to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta for analysis.”
An astonishing array of parasites, fungus, bacteria and viruses was detected. Just the STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) found were (in alphabetical order): amoebiasis, chlamydia, crabs (pubic lice), cryptosporidiosis, genital herpes simplex, genital warts, giardiasis, gonorrhea, human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), human papilloma virus (HPV), shigellosis, syphilis and trichomoniasis. Speculation is that prior to arriving in Dallas the group had visited Thailand, Uganda, Sudan, Mexico and Hades.
Once the entire building was cleared, occupants screened and the fire department alerted, a series of thermite bombs were ignited in the men’s room in hope that the 2500°C temperature would kill most of the pathogens. The ashes were sprayed with full strength bleach (sodium hypochlorite). Demolition of the building itself is scheduled for next month and the debris will be buried in a landfill certified for medical waste.
Bigass Oil Company issued a statement apologizing to other tenants in the building, the City of Dallas and the public at large. Founder and Chief Executive Officer Buford Bigass added, “I’m never going anywhere north of Oklahoma ever again. In fact, I selling our properties in the Williston Basin of North Dakota. It’s too damned close to Canada.”