WASHINGTON, D. C. – No Such Agency Software (NSAS), headquartered in Fort Meade, Maryland announced that a new oil and gas reservoir simulation package, named WhatchaHydin?, with some very unique features is being offered to certain members of the petroleum industry. According to their limited-distribution press release, highlights of the new package include:
· It is for sale to individual users only. There are no corporate licenses. It is not available to anyone in a management or supervisory position.
· Each purchaser will be thoroughly investigated for legitimacy.
· A physical bitlock, 256-bit software encryption and a three-level password system will insure security.
· The actual simulation kernel is pretty humdrum and nothing special.
· The truly unique feature of the package is that it will ask for your boss’s name and address, hack into the FBI and other government and private databases and dig up any available dirt on him. Social media and porn sites will also be checked.
· At the same time it puts a quantum mechanics-based lock on the purchaser’s own files so no one can turn the tables.
Mr. Naime Withheld, CEO of No Such Agency, explained that, “Reservoir simulators depend on a huge number of variables, most of which are guessed at or the default values used, and the results are usually pure bullshit and everybody knows it. To differentiate ourselves from other suppliers, we knew we had to offer something extra special.”
Mr. Withheld went on to say,
“Based on my experience with a former employer, we know that blackmailing a superior into silence covers a host of your sins and gives you the time to really sharpen your golf game. The reason we picked a reservoir simulator as our cover story is that it gives us an entry into the oil and gas industry through people already harboring a lot of resentment. Managers and executives in oil and gas always, repeat, always have multiple skeletons in their closets. And they’re not hard to find. We do all the usual the computer scans but we don’t ignore the human element. Stock brokers, drug dealers and hookers talk a lot and we listen.”
Despite the rather substantial price tag, there is already a long waiting list. Early adopters have found it easy to get an invoice approved once the dirt scan has been performed. Mr. Max Avarice, CEO of TexxonMogul, was going to hold a press conference to denounce NSAS and WhatchaHydin? but it was cancelled at the last moment and never re-scheduled.