OTTAWA, Ontario – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has formally requested an apology from the current CEO of Japan-based Sony Corporation for the use of the word “man” in the name of its popular portable cassette player that revolutionized personal music in the 1980s.
“I was sitting in the hot tub the other night contemplating other ways that I can run the country more like my late father, when my focus was drawn to the bright yellow Walkman next to me and realized, ‘Wait a minute, Walkman?!?!?! That name won’t fly here in my great country! I’ve got to do something about this, and do it now!’ So here I am, following through on my word to myself.” – Justin “JT” Trudeau
A Canadian government source, who hasn’t been authorized to speak publicly on the matter, said that Mr. Trudeau not only demanded a written and televised apology from Mr. Yoshida, but is also working with parliament to pass a law to officially change the name of the devices within Canadian borders to Walkfolk – a term that the Prime Minister himself coined in an emotionally-charged rage over the idea that this has been going on for over 3 decades.
“I was with Justin during this episode and and I gotta tell ya, I was afraid for my life. I’d never seen him like this, he was incoherently screaming something like ‘It should have been Walkfolk, dammit!’ over and over again and thrashing about to the point that his coif got a little out of order, and that took his anger to the next level!” – anonymous government source
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In response to Trudeau’s apology demand, the sitting Sony CEO said that he has no plans to apologize for anything citing that the name was not meant to, “offend people who weren’t a man.” He claims that it was a trade-name for the device and that things weren’t so politically correct in the 1980s and it was okay. He continued, “The pendulum of political correctness has swung so far to the left that people cannot sip on some sake without the risk of offending somebody.” Japan has pulled its ambassadors out of Canada and if Trudeau doesn’t smarten up, plans to create a Sony Pictures feature length film titled, “The moron who runs Canada.”
According to official government documents, Mr. Trudeau is planning to create an Office Of PC Rebranding and spend $26B over 3 years to collect the 4 million Walkmans that we’re sold in Canada, rebrand them, and then return them to their owners. “I personally rebranded the 3 Walkmans that I own using whiteout and a sharpie, but I can’t expect other Canadians to do the same, so I’ll arrange to have it done for them,” said Turdeau.
The document also purports that Trudeau has a gripe with the term FM being used to describe the higher-end units equipped with radios.
“In today’s world, the FM on the bright yellow units can easily be misconstrued to mean FeMale, and that the yellow coloured units were built for the ladies, and we certainly don’t want to offend those people. It should be spelled out as Factory Made.” – Prime Minister Turdeau
2P News political correspondent Yu Mii caught up with Progressive Conservative leader Andrew Scheer after a parliament session, where he was quoted as saying, “Well, here he goes again spending like an 18 year-old boy at the disco with his first credit card. The PCs could get all of these things changed up in 1 year for under $10B!”