CALGARY, Alberta – The Association of Calgary Engineers (A.C.E.) has made arrangements to help Calgary’s city council find efficiencies in its upcoming budget. The Calgary-based engineering association has a long history of financial restraint for the sake of purely economic calculations, and rarely takes feelings or common sense into account.

They have been responsible for such initiatives as the Save The Streets campaign, in which all streets would no longer be named, but simply numbered to save money on frivolous lettering. A.C.E. also instituted the little-known Solar Calculator Power Plant, where several thousand Walmart solar calculators were connected in parallel in an attempt to power the association’s office to save money. Although the project was a categorical failure, A.C.E claims it was a step in the right direction, and could have saved them hundreds of dollars over the 12 years remaining on their lease.

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Arkamedees Jones, P. Eng, A.C.E. President

The budget plan that A.C.E has released, that will be presenting to Calgary City Council next week, includes the following efficiency recommendations:

  • All front line emergency services such as Fire, EMS, and Police, will disregard and stand down on all calls to geological dwellings and places of business, unless engineers are registered to the address and confirmed to be in danger.
  • Engineers residing in Calgary will be given a dedicated hotline to call in priority situations such as preferential street cleaning, snow removal, and tree pruning. Again, calls from geologists or geologically related persons will be disregarded in an effort not to waste funds.
  • Garbage and recycling pickup will be cancelled and residents will be required to drive their surplus to any one of several upstream river locations for water transport to a collection net located southeast of the city. Residences and businesses engaged in engineering will be unaffected.
  • Calgary Transit will institute a Skip the Passenger service whereby bus or c-train operators, at their sole discretion, reserve the right to skip right past people waiting at bus stops and c-train platforms in an effort to reduce wear and tear on buses and trains.
  • Fees for water usage in the City will jump to $10.00 per liter, billed bi-weekly, and $15.00 per liter charged weekly for geological dwellings and places of business. Residences and businesses engaged in engineering will be unaffected.
  • Basic road maintenance such as street sweeping, pothole repair, and boulevard lawn maintenance will be assigned to the closest residence or place of business in a maintenance-share system modeled after existing car- and scooter-share services. Residences and businesses engaged in engineering will be unaffected.

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  • Public art and aesthetic developments within city limits will now be cancelled or funded directly from a Geological Penalty Tax charged against all offending geological professionals, which is all of them. Per day. For anything they do.
  • City Bylaw officers will be disbanded and enforcement of city Bylaws will be left to vigilantes in accordance with the Batman series of movies and television shows.  Engineers will be given special hats so they can be easily identified and left alone.
  • The city’s Information Services department will be relegated to Facebook groups, word-of-mouth, and Instagram. Engineers can use the dedicated hotline to access important engineering information such as building codes, accurate city statistics, and the number of geologists that haven’t left yet.
  • Calgary’s 9-1-1 service will be handled by a small group of 20 millenials using iPads and Google Glass devices to help identify, triage, and otherwise decide what’s important, and if residents really, really need help. As per the first recommendation, residences and businesses engaged in geology will be immediately disregarded. Residences and businesses engaged in engineering will be unaffected.

    Artist’s rendering of the newly imagined 9-1-1 call centre
  • City of Calgary swimming pools will be operated on a rotational basis, with each facility opening for a set time period each year, depending on population, membership numbers, and the number members of geological background. More geologists means fewer days. If the number of geologists is balanced by an equal or higher number of engineers, the geologists will be given a special pass that allows them to use the facility after it has shut down, until the water is simply to disgusting to tolerate.

A.C.E has set the hearing for next week, and 2P News will be in attendance to gauge council’s response.


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