Co-locating coronavirus patients with engineers is as good as quarantining them: IHS

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Researchers ready themselves for some caronavirus research.

JAMJAR, China – Officials from the International Health Service offices in Pu Pu Hot Pot, the capital city of China’s Fook Yu province, are strongly urging those infected with the quickly-spreading coronavirus to co-locate with engineers as soon as conveniently possible. This measure, which amounts to an extreme form of isolation therapy, is understood to be the most effective means of quarantining patients not only near the epicenter of the 2019-nCoV virus outbreak, but also in countries around the world.

Dr. Rong Phuk, IHS chief medical advisor

“In times of global emergencies, such as this novel coronavirus issue we are currently experiencing, we must take drastic measures. And it doesn’t get more drastic than forcing people to spend time in close proximity to engineers,” said the IHS’ chief medical advisor, Dr. Rong Phuk.

He continued, “Instead of spending tens of millions of dollars rapidly erecting hospitals and putting all of this effort into researching vaccines, putting the patients near engineers is a win-win situation seeing as it is very rare that you find many people around engineers, and the engineers themselves believe they are invincible.”

Dr. Phuk and his team are working with health organizations and engineering regulatory bodies on an international level to see how to best implement this form on quarantine which the group believes must apply to engineers in office spaces, in their homes, and in the special Engineers Only Sections that are commonplace in public transportation throughout North America and Europe.

Lab tests conducted just last week using various 2019-nCoV samples on recent graduates from Wuhan’s University College of Soon Yu Di, have shown that engineers are not only repulsive at a macroscopic scale, but also at a cellular level. The negative-ion-stranded nCoV strain virus was observed under scanning electron microscope to categorically refuse to activate their spike glycoproteins on the host engineer’s cell membranes.

The comparatively pleasant 2019-nCoV virus (brown) shown here steering clear of the very repulsive and super ugly engineerithelial cells.
Dr. Fatt

“It is not a case the virus cannot attach itself… it is a case that they are too disgusted to do so,” remarked Dr. Chu Sum Fatt, the university’s lead lab researcher.

“So when you couple this scientific finding, with the psychological invincibility of the engineers, and the idea that being co-located with an engineer will keep patients far away from the public masses, and we have a solution whereby the virus will have no choice but to just give up since it cannot grow,” he continued.

Considering how engineers typically behave, the IHS is looking to implement this co-located isolation quarantine technique using hand and ankle cuffs. Patients will physically be tethered to their engineering counterparts, which will be supported by some groups but is expected to draw the ire of others.

The World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) is fully on board with this plan, according to Joffrey Retread, P.Eng., who heads up the organization.

“It’s nice to finally see that engineers will be able to help the world in a non-technical way, but we also see many other primary benefits to our engineering members. First of all, most of our engineers are single… very single… and have been for some time. If I can arrange so that a male member can be paired up with a female patient, and vice-versa, then it’s sorta like the engineer being on an extended date. But in this case, the date cannot just run away as is typically the case.” – Joffrey Retread, P.Eng., president of WOOPs

We contacted international modelling agency behemoth Elitist Model Management for comments on this developing caronavirus quarantining strategy, and their reply was straightforward and to the point. “Our members have unanimously voted and agreed that if they contract the virus, they would rather top things up by drinking a cup of 98 mol fractions of 2019-nCoV concentrate, sustain thousands of paper cuts over their entire body, and rolled in a mixture of lemon juice and salt, before being strapped to an iron platform and run over by a steamroller moving at 1 foot/minute, than be shackled to any engineer. The former is just far more pleasant.”

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