CALGARY, Alberta – A family fun event at the Calgary City Stampede went south after 7 people were injured at the new and popular “Kiss an Engineer” Midway attraction.
The incident took place at the brand new Stampede attraction, which is located adjacent to the super popular Are you Smarter than a Professional Geologist tent. 2P News’ Cynthia Redbush caught up with an eyewitness who saw the entire event unfold.
“All I remember is a new engineer sitting down in the seat, leaning over with his lips very oddly puckered up and eyes super wide open – it was weird. A young lady slowly leaned over to kiss him, when all of the sudden he grabs her head and starts vibrating in his chair as it skirted across the ground. He then pushes her away, jumps over the table and starts grabbing, kissing, and then throwing aside ladies in the lineup. This is when I ran!”
In complete awe, Dixie Rect has no idea what she just witnessed.
“I felt like I could have been next – I’ve never been chased by a crazed man wearing no pants sporting a micro-sized chubby, and I certainly didn’t want to start today,” Rect told 2P News.
The Calgary Police Department said just before 8:30 on Tuesday night, they were notified of a commotion on the Stampede grounds that might involve injuries. When officers and paramedics arrived on the scene, they saw 7 ladies near the “Kiss an Engineer” attraction in varying levels of discomfort. “We had 3 subjects who appear to have thrown up just before passing out, one subject was in the process of trying to auto-vomit as we arrived. Three others were incoherent but we could them saying things to the effect of, ‘he touched my breasts and family parts,'” said Sergeant E. Norma Scock, who was first on scene.
It took several passersby to lift the man off of the last lady he attacked and a senior geologist, estimated to weigh 425 lbs, from the neighbouring tent to sit on him as they waited for police.
The Alberta Department of Labour said that this “Kiss an Engineer” attraction was not granted a permit for the 2022 Calgary City Stampede. They cited a 2021 study on professions and love, that reported engineers were ranked 4th from the bottom when it comes to professions who typically get kissed the least. Only animal masturbators, porta-potty cleaners, and roadkill collectors were ranked lower.
City of Calgary occupational therapist, Dr. Pat Myaz, told 2P news, “Research has shown over and over again that the vast majority of engineers have not kissed a member of the opposite sex, or for that matter the same sex, a plastic blowup sex doll, or even their elbow, until they’ve reached their mid-40s. The engineer in this situation, aged 37, was no exception. In general, the problem is that engineers don’t know what to expect and aren’t ready for it. In progressively more common cases, such as in this one, when the engineer got his first kiss at the booth his brain released dopamines at 100 to 1000 times normal levels which stimulated the lower medulla oblongata part of his brain which resulted in him slipping into a semi-conscious state of delusional fantasy that spiralled out of control.”
Calgary-area William (Will) Feelya, P.Eng., has been charged with 13 counts of intent to injure and 7 counts of sexual assault with special circumstances related to breaching public trust at a carnival attraction. He is scheduled to appear at the Calgary Court House on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022.