OTTAWA – Women, men, children, and members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community will soon be required to report unpleasant interactions with professional engineers to the federal government. The data collected will be logged into a new registry designed to help keep tabs on engineers who repeatedly offend people so that remedial actions, and in some cases punitive measures, can be taken.
Public Safety Minister, Marky McRenshaw, said he is in talks with the justice minister to see if the legal system can be amended so that in extreme cases the infractions will fall under criminal law and sentencing legal structures, with significantly harsher punishments imposed on repeat offenders.
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“My soon-to-be ex-wife is an engineer, and that pretty much says it all. This new framework and system that we are putting in place is designed understand and track engineers who, well, act like engineers and piss people off left, right, and center without any regard for their feelings or even their rights. This has to stop. ” – Marky McRenshaw, Public Safety Minister
The new system will be implemented as a smartphone app aptly named “Stop and Get Away.” The idea is that non-engineers will download the app to their smartphone. From there, the app, which is always on, uses a special olfactory attachment that can sense the body odour of an engineer from at least 7 feet away depending on the ripeness of the stench. It is sensitive enough to detect down to 2 parts per million of staphylococcus hominis, the compound responsible for the fetid funk that is exclusive to engineers. Once an engineer is detected in the warning zone, the app then listens for the loud, incoherent, technical gibberish that studies have shown 98% of engineers spew at every waking moment (and in some cases while they sleep). If the app notices that the techno-babble transitions into indignant language directed to the smartphone’s owner, as it gets progressively louder, it automatically turns on the video camera, starts recording both audio and video of the event.
When the episode is finished, it will automatically send a report to the Federal Engineer Compliance Registry where the incident will be logged and action taken. Along with a warning in writing, every engineer will be fined $198 for each infraction. If 3 infractions are logged to the same engineer within a 30-day period, a warrant will be issued for his or her arrest.
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According to the Ministry of Public Safety’s webpage, there are a number of exceptions that will provide a bit of relief for engineers. These exemptions are limited to the following:
- an engineer prodded by the sharp end of a stick or is otherwise provoked
- the engineer or not well fed and transitions into a state of extreme hanger
- the engineer loses his or her iron ring, which renders most engineers insane
- the incident happens within 30 minutes of the engineer losing at least 30 minutes of unsaved work with Excel macros
Engineering regulators across Canada are looking at this system as a bittersweet solution. The president of the Association of Engineering Sciences of Canada understands that engineers need help, but wonders if this is the right way to go about it. “For the most part engineers aren’t going out of their way to offend people – it’s just built into their objective nature and is a product of years of analytical educational training. They do need help, and although I do support this new registry, I think we can all do better as a community by reaching out to engineers to give them a hug. All they really need is a little love. So I’m telling anybody who is willing to listen, to see past they way they look and smell, and go embrace an engineer today,” said Vye Brator.