Thanks to fake news on COVID-19, including quacky DIY medicines and remedies, conspiracy theories, false government advisories, misleading narratives, and morphed images, attention on the virus has exploded on the Internet over the last few weeks.
Coronavirus now induces the same fear and dread as thoughts of spending one-on-one time with an engineer. The novel Coronavirus, which causes a disease called COVID-19, isn’t just a severe acute respiratory syndrome with a terrifying incubation period – it’s also the first true epidemic of a polarized, plugged-in era.
In this special Friday piece, 2P News debunks the top 10 myths surrounding the deadly coronavirus that you almost believed.
Myth 10: Engineers are immune to the disease
False. It’s just that they have no friends. They have practiced involuntary self isolation from the minute they set foot in the first lecture of their 2nd year thermodynamics class.
Myth 9: Covid-19 is a STI
False. But it can be, if your favourite pastime is running around attempting to lick the family parts of strangers who exhibit symptoms.
Myth 8: Novel coronavirus was developed in a lab
False. It was accidentally released from a 68,000,000 year old geological core sample from the Western Canadian Energy Regulatory’s Core Lab.
Myth 7:Covid-19 causes rapid release of one’s bowels contents
False. One reported incident of a subject who tested positive for coronavirus soiled his underoos, but he had also just eaten lunch at Big Jimmy’s Fried Food Buffet in downtown Stettler, Alberta. Go figure.
Myth 6: Covid stands for Colorectal Obstructive Venereal Indio-Direculitis
False. Don’t be an idiot.
Myth 5: If you test positive you get sent to Regina
False. Nobody deserves that. But you will be relocated to unknown locations in Saskatchewan where studies have shown that the virus cannot put up with Rider Pride.
Myth 4: Covid is otherwise known as “Knob-lickers Disease”
True. In one eye witness account, several millennials were observed taking the Covid-Knob Challenge on Ticker-Tocker. The goal is to lick more doorknobs in public venues than your friends do. They all tested positive, even the winners, and it’s all caught on camera.
Myth 3: Buying inordinate amounts of toilet paper rolls will save you
True. Studies from the Department of Infectious Diseases and Forestry Products at British Columbia’s University of Nelson proved inconclusive because the researchers were too busy laughing and looking for snacks. But it turns out that they are all Covid-19 positive and and all hoarding toilet paper, so there’s some sort of cause and effect in there somewhere
Myth 2: You can make DIY hand cleaner with equal parts diesel fuel, liquid nitrogen, and saffron
True. Although this concoction has not been proven clinically, we are pretty sure that if you’re making this stuff then contracting Covid-19 is by far the least of your worries.
Myth 1: Cow urine can ward off the novel coronavirus
False. There is no scientific evidence to support this claim. But if you live in Saskatchewan or Manitoba and you believe that orally consuming bovine urine is providing you with some sort of coronavirus immunity, and has been for the past 10 or 15 years, then fill ‘yer boots.
Myth 0: Being able to hold your breath for 200 seconds proves that you do not have Covid-19
False. This is a common practice at college dorms and bush parties whereby males ask females to hold their breath for over 3 minutes while trying to touch their elbows behind their back. The only thing that this proves is that boys are pigs.
Myth -1: Covid actually originated in Africa where it was originally called Brovid
False. You racist.
Well, there you have it, good people. If you hear these myths in your socially distant gatherings, be sure to set people straight.
And please share this post with everybody you know. It is in the greater interest of protecting the global population.