Stock photo of a scientist working on a vaccine.

EDMONTON, Alberta – Calgary-based researchers at the University of Crowchild have launched a program to develop a vaccine candidate against Covid-19 that, interestingly enough, exploits petro-phobic properties of the Novel Coronavirus at a nanoscopic level.

The group of researchers from the university’s Bio Petro Infectious Disease department discovered the new vaccine 2 weeks ago, but are currently putting it through rodent lab trials before moving onto human subjects.

“Once we discovered under the microscope that the Novel Coronavirus exhibited petro-phobic properties at a DNA-level, we were able to rapidly construct a prototype vaccine in a matter of about 3 hours, thanks to our DNA MixMaster 2000 platform,” Dr. Joffrey Dropcock, the group’s lead researcher, told 2P News. “Our goal is to continue testing on lab animals for the next 2 or 3 weeks before transitioning to phase one human testing on hipster enviros from BC in late March, early April.”

According to the team’s sophisticated computer models, when a petroleum-based product, whether it be methane or the crudest asphaltene, is put near the Novel Coronavirus, the virus mimicked human populations who try to distance themselves from the oil and gas industry, but to the nth degree. The condition is called Thunbergmesticus Bandwagonosis. If the virus could talk, it would effectively be saying, “See ya! I’m Swayze. I don’t want to be associated with this dirty stuff that is destroying the planet.”

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The next step was to pursue lab experiments with rodents. The group sourced a number of rats from British Columbia and provided them with Wuhan White Stilton cheese that was dipped in 100%, organic, Novel Coronavirus extract. Once the subjects started to feel the ill effects of the virus, including coughing, wheezing, and hyper-fatigue, they were given milk that was laced with 3ml of 97-octane premium gasoline. The group reported that within minutes the rodent subjects were running around with high energy and throat swabs came back negative for the virus. “Who would have thought that anti-oil sentiment would exist at nanoscopic level?!” remarked Dr. Dropcock.

A dreadful looking virus under a microscope.

The research group understands that the human trials will pose some unique challenges, including convincing test subjects to consume products derived from petroleum, which for obvious reasons do not particularly taste very good. So the researchers have teamed with Havre, Alberta-based Sweets-n-Treats to devise a number of flavours that will help offset the acrid taste of the distillates.

Philip McDooglstein

“We are very pleased to be enlisted to help with R&D on a coronavirus vaccine, even if it’s on the non-medicinal side of things. Our design team is currently working on a number of taste additives and varietals that include Octane Orange, Paraffin Passion Fruit, Cinnamon Coaler, Gasoline Grape, and Naphtha Nectarine. We fully expect that consuming petroleum-based with our additives will make the experience far more pleasant. I put a 2-finger shot of Kerosene Kreme in my coffee this morning for testing purposes, and it was great!” – Phillip McDooglstein, Chief Candy Officer, Sweets-n-Treats

Oil and gas industry analysts praise the new Covid-19 vaccine prototype because if approved for mass production, it should increase the demand on petroleum products in Western Canada and effectively create a new channel of egress for them from the region. Some liken it to an invisible pipeline of sorts, that will transport oil-based products under the guise of medicine. They expect to increase demand for crude oil which should counter the downward pressure it has been experiencing in recent days.

The irony is that the vaccine, if approved by the Canadian Health Authority, will save millions of lives globally. But those people saved will continue to breathe, and the majority of what they exhale is carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas that destroys the planet. “So we save people, but simultaneously kill the planet,” said Dr. Dropcock as he closed his interview with 2P News, “So as usual, we cannot win over here in Alberta.”


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