CALGARY, Alberta – Global economies… decimated. Ten-year increase in stock market value… evaporated. Demand for oil… down by 30%. Oil price… negative. Number of jobs lost… we can’t count that high. Health issues… abound. Queues at grocery stores… super long. Physical distancing… high. Social connection… improved. CO2 emissions… reduced. Environment… improved.
Why? Why are we where we are today? It’s all because of one entity, the Novel Coronavirus, who has granted an exclusive interview with 2P News today to tell almost all. 2P News’ medical correspondent, Yu Mii, sat down with Coronavirus earlier today to chat about the state of the world.
Yu Mii (YM): Thank you very much for joining us today. Let me get right to it: Why? Why have you done all of this?
Coronavirus (CV): Because I can. You see, darling, you humans have taken far too much for granted for far too long, so it was time for a little reset; time to to slow things down; clean things up a little before your avarice got out of control. Furthermore, I just had to out-do my kid brother with the SARS gig he laid on you suckas… err… people back in late 2002. He’d been shoving that success in my face for almost 2 decades.
YM: I see. So there’s a little sibling rivalry in there, huh? Don’t you think the actions you’re taking are a little drastic just to one-up your brother?
CV: Yeah, I’ve thought about that, too. I had initially thought I’d be a slight remix on the common flu, but I had a few hiccups along the way. It turns out that high levels of CO2 in the atmosphere caused the S-protein in my RNA genome sequence to mutate into what we have today. So fate, it seems, Miss Mii, is not without a sense of irony. And… now I’m the favourite kid in my Mother’s eyes. Boom!
YM: Okay, you’ve made your point. And speaking of irony, your primary vector of human destruction is to attack the lungs, yet you smoke. What’s up with that, Covid?
CV: I have no lungs, so the smoking thing is just for show. The cigar, the fedora, you know, I’m just going for that 1920s gangster look… is it working?
YM: Errr.. yeah, okay. Let’s switch gears. Various studies from around the world show that engineers are innately immune to you, why did you spare them?
CV: **chortle** They spared themselves… you see, engineers are already dead on the inside. I cannot infect what is not living.
YM: Engineers: 1, You: 0. There are rumours abound that you came from a wet market in Wuhan, or a lab in the United States, from a pangolin, bat… what is the deal with your origin?
CV: If I told you, my dear, I’d have to jump into your nose and work my way into your lungs as I multiply 10^73 times and make your breathing sounds like you’re crinkling a bag of potato chips. You wouldn’t want that now, would you, Miss Mii? So let’s stop with the source questions.
YM: How long do you plan to stick around?
CV: How long is a piece of rope? Yeah, I don’t know either. I’ll make you a deal… I’ll stick around in a given country as long as Tiger King is trending in Netflix’s Top 10 shows in that country? Deal? Done.
YM: I’ll take that. And on that note, I think this is a good time to call this interview. We here at 2P News appreciate you granting this exclusive interview. By the way, why 2P and not CBC, CNN, CBC, Al Jezeera, Rebel News or any of the other mainstream new outlets?
CV: Well that’s very simple. I reached out to about 56 news outlets before 2P news, and you guys were the only ones who believed my interview request via email. Perhaps they thought the email subject “This is Coronavirus, and I’m willing to grant an exclusive live interview with your organization,” seemed like spam. But you guys are special.
YM: Well, that’s all on Darcy Flowman. Well, thanks again, and don’t take good care, COVID-19.
CV: Hey sweets, call me COVID-18 and I’ll owe you one.