Trudeau's "Flatten Canada" green recovery plan will mean goodbye to the Rocky Mountains.

OTTAWA, Ontario – Which a projected C$345bn deficit for 2020 that has been shaped by the Covid-19 pandemic, a collapsing oil and gas sector, and 2 provinces on the brink of bankruptcy over a botched energy project and plummeting poutine commodity prices, it would appear that Canada is at a crossroads.

Does Canada pursue an ambitious post-pandemic “green agenda” economic recovery plan that goes against the wishes of the beleaguered western provinces and their fragile but also influential and powerful industries, or does the minority federal liberal government, whose tenuous grip to power under leader Justin Trudeau, just freeze like a deer in the headlights?

Heck if we know, but if rumours circulating about Mr. Trudeau’s throne speech (to be delivered later this month) are true, then we can all expect the newer, greener Canada to be flat.

Justin Trudeau, hamming it up with 2P News

“We know the world is going towards greater energy efficiency. We know the world is going towards lower carbon. We know that the world is moving towards more renewable energy,” he said. “This is the way the world is going. And Canada will be leaders in a new green initiative that I like to call Flatten Canada. If you just think about it for a second, it makes sense.” – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

Trudeau made the comments from vacation last week in Honduras during an exclusive Zoom interview with 2P News’ political correspondent, Rodecker Smith.

JT: “Think about it Rodecker, you’re a bright guy. If we flatten Canada, then we should have no hills. And with no hills, we will be able to boast the best fuel efficiencies for vehicles powered by internal combustion engines and you wanna talk about range on an EV… pfft… we’ll have that licked. **Ahem** [whispers to Rodecker] Speaking of licking things, does my hair still look good?

RS: “Let’s not worry about your coif, Prime Minister, let’s get down to your Flatten Canada plan. Exactly how do you propose we flatten our country, Justin?”

JT: “Well, the Rocky Mountains are in the western part of Canada, so that means I already don’t like them, but that’s besides the point – sorta. The mountains were formed when parts of the earth squished together and stuff had nowhere to go but up. Well, what’s old is new again, so if we anti-squish the land in that area the rocks should just come down and become flat again. Rodecker… I was a part-time drama teacher, I know a thing or two about sciencing and plate rocktronics. We will accomplish this with a fleet of solar-powered tug boats tied to both coasts. And when I say, ‘GO!’ the country will start stretching.”

RS: “Oh, so you’re going to stretch the country, Mr. Prime Minister, is that right?”

JT: “Do I st… stu… stu… stutter, Rodecker? Yeah, well, we all know I do, but in this case you’re right, compadre. And flattening those mountains will also get those reserves of coal in them right back where they belong – closer to being underground!”

RS: “Mr. Prime Minister, exactly how far do you plan to stretch the country to support your ambitious Flatten Canada plan?

JT: “Well, the geofantastical models on my phone indicate that Vancouver will be within eye-sight of Shanghai, China, when it’s all said and done. And I’ve gotta say, that brings many benefits to both countries. We should be able to keep those pro-pipeline people happy because it’ll be far easier and cheaper to run a gasoline pipeline from Fort McMurray to China when they are much closer together. Or we could even build a sufficiently long bridge and just truck the stuff. Another perk? You know how I’ve pissed off the Chinese president a number of times since taking office, right? Well, I will be able to reconcile things with him by bringing many of his people closer to home.”

RS: “Thanks for your time, Mr. Prime Minister. Enjoy the rest of your vacation.”

JT: “Oh wait! One more thing. Is this mic still hot? [Rodecker: Nope. It has been switched off.] Okay then. By far the best reason for flattening Canada has nothing to do with being green, it has to do with ensuring that the West will be even more wester from the East!”

Pierre Poivre, the opposition finance critic with the Conservative Party, after hearing of this completely absurd plan, accuses Prime Minister Trudeau of taking stupidity to unprecedented levels. But seeing has Pierre strongly believes that nobody believes the Prime Minister, he can only hope that nobody believes that this plan can actually be true.

Editor’s note: If you haven’t watched Pierre grill Justin over the We scandal, please do yourself a favour and watch a few minutes of the following clip.


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