MOSCOW, Russia – Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced today that he is nominating himself for the post of President of the United States of America. In a lengthy interview with 2P News, Mr. Putin outlined his reasons for the totally unprecedented move.
Note: Mr. Putin has a working knowledge of English in addition to his native Russian and fluent German. However, there was a translator standing by in case of linguistic problems.
2P News: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Putin: You’re welcome. I selected 2P News for this interview because of your reputation for always publishing the truth, no matter how ridiculous it is.
2P News: Why did you decide to run for U. S. President?
Putin: Well, Trump has botched things so badly that even we Russians are embarrassed and furthermore he isn’t following my orders precisely. So, I decided to eliminate the middleman.
2P News: But doesn’t the U. S. constitution require that the president be a native-born citizen of America?
Putin: Yeah, like that stopped Obama. I was born in St. Petersburg, but my birth certificate doesn’t say which St. Petersburg. I’ll have the KGB, sorry, FSB smudge that part and put in St. Petersburg, Florida.
2P News: How will you get on the ballot in all 50 states and the various territories?
Putin: No need to do that. Come election day, don’t be surprised to see 90 million write-in votes for me. And yes, Russian hackers are that good and since 2016 have gotten much better. We got Trump elected, right? I keep getting re-elected in Russia, right?
2P News: If you win, what actions will you take once you are inaugurated?
Putin: First thing is to dismantle the Department of Defense. Those guys won’t be needed anymore. Then I’ll take the money saved and invest it in Putin Enterprises bonds, wink, wink.
2P News: Who will be your Vice President?
Putin: Don’t need one. They don’t do anything anyway.
2P New: Do you have time to be president of two countries?
Putin: Sure. Trump only puts in about 2 hours a day being president and I figure I can do it in only one. I’ll have a large staff that does nothing but prepare executive orders for me to sign.
2P News: Won’t the U. S. congress object to that?
Putin: Nope. While I’m doing my write-in campaign for president I’ll also have a majority of congressional seats filled with write-in former KGB agents.
2P News: These are certainly some ambitious plans.
Putin: You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.