The Disassociated Press
Edmonton, Alberta – After an abundance of research and exhaustive legal wrangling, it seems that Alberta has found a path to energy dominance without any roadblocks from the Liberal federal government. Jason Kenney’s Task Force Oil announced this morning a legal and contractually binding agreement for Alberta to join OPEC.
Just before the COVID pandemic hit the world, a small legal team was assembled to look into ways Alberta could achieve economic energy growth at a time when it was being hamstrung by Prime Minidiotster True Dope and his Deputy Prime Mister, Costyah Freecash. The team explored every possible avenue there was to drag Alberta kicking and screaming out of its political red-tape prison cell and back into the free world to do business.
What the Task Force Oil’s legal team devised is pure genius: Join OPEC and tell Ottawa to run 244mm casing up their ass!
The process is involved and quite legally complicated, but it essentially breaks down as a way to get more Alberta oil to market in Canada without the need to get approval from anti-Canadian provinces such as Ontario and Quebec. By joining OPEC, oil purchased on volume contracts from OPEC can be filled by western Canadian oil, which gets transported by tankers from “The Middle East.” However, there is a catch here that no one saw coming.
Trucks designed to move things such as NASA’s space shuttle, refinery tanks, or massive heavy machinery, will be employed to haul fully loaded marine oil tankers on trailers down the highways in Canada to their destinations in eastern Canadian refineries – but not directly to the refineries. The oil tankers will take sail in the Atlantic Ocean for a short u-turn trip so that Easterners believe the oil is coming from the Middle East, which will make them very happy.
Slow and steady, but shipyards in Vancouver are already undertaking designs for the trailers around existing oil tankers such as the Zenith Spirit and the Damia Desgagnes.
With contracts to receive OPEC partnership oil, and using existing registered tankers on newly built trailer transports, there is a great deal of optimism in Alberta right now.
“If all we have to do is ink a deal with OPEC and the Saudi’s, build some trailers, and move these full tankers overland instead of around the continent, we’re winning like Charlie Sheen.” – Ada Basterim, Task Force Oil Director
Some oil and gas analysts believe that it will be difficult to conceal the tanker ships as they cross Ontario and Quebec. Peter North, with Last Energy Analysts, says that despite most of the people in Ontario and Quebec being too self-absorbed to notice much outside of their personal little ecosystem, it’ll be difficult to get this one past them. He continued, “One 330m oil tanker is big enough as it is, but you string together a convoy of 5 or 6 of these bad boys and you’re looking at a 2km procession moving at 30km/hr down the Trans Canada highway. And then to place them in the Atlantic at St. John’s harbour under the cover of darkness, only to have them travel east for about 1km and then make a u-turn, it seems a little crazy to me. But no where near as crazy as having the tankers travel from Vancouver, through the Panama Canal, and finally up to our East coast.”