CALGARY, Alberta – The Discovery Network’s Animal Planet Channel is presently in Calgary shooting an episode of its “River Monsters” program. The premise of the show is that the world’s rivers and lakes contain monstrously large fish, reptiles and amphibians that are never seen. The trip to Calgary follows a number of reports of an unusual creature in the Bow River and environs. It is believed to be a kraken named Sid. Although the kraken is generally considered to be a mythical creature, there is photographic evidence, as shown above.
Mr. Morton Crenshaw, the Gill Man of Creature from the Black Lagoon, is circulating a petition to shut down production of the episode. He said, “Sid the Kraken is a friend of mine and he is peacefully retired from destroying ships and is minding his own business. The last thing he wants is a bunch of TV blowhards sticking a camera in his face and demanding an interview. Sid and his wife Ursula just spawned a family and they want their privacy.”
Dr. Linnaeus Zoomer, professor of biology at the University of Calgary, confirmed that several hatchlings have been recovered from the Bow River that are unidentified so far but may be baby krakens. He proclaimed, “God, they’re ugly, but then so are [Calgary Mayor] Naheed Nenshi and [Alberta Premier] Jason Kenney.” Several examples are being sent to cryptozoologists around the world for a more definitive identification.
Mr. Crenshaw warned that if any more hatchlings are taken from the river, Sid may return to his former habit of destroying ships and devouring sailors. He mused, “Hey, if someone were kidnapping your children, wouldn’t you be plenty pissed?” What’s unknown is if many of the hatchlings grow to full maturity, will they make the Bow River too dangerous for recreational and commercial boating? Even fishing from the river’s banks may prove to be hazardous.
Mayor Nenshi hinted that the city may attempt to capture Sid and put him in an aquarium. Crenshaw was apoplectic upon hearing this and vowed to organize a protest. In anticipation of Sid’s possible confinement he even printed up a batch of signs that say “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”