CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary Mayor Joki Gonyet’s proposal to cancel the Calgary City Stampede just before the popular parade through downtown Calgary was overturned in an emergency, closed-door, council meeting late Thursday night in an 13-1 vote.
Calgary City Stampede organizers tweeted this morning that they were surprised to learn that the idea to cancel the Greatest Gig on Earth was even up for discussion. “What the hell? We just spent upwards of $80M to setup the event and there was a plan to cancel it last minute? We weren’t even given a reason why it was even up for debate!” said Andy Felthersnatch, a spokesman for the Calgary City Stampede.
According to an unnamed official source close to matter, the reasons for Mayor Gonyet requesting to cancel the Stampede were two-fold. First of all, she was upset that Kevin Costner refused to dress up as Crash Davis (his character from Bull Durham) for her husband’s half sister’s twice-removed fiancé’s step-daughter’s 5th birthday party. Speaking on conditions of anonymity, a second source said that Gonyet did not make the cut of being a rodeo clown despite her uncanny resemblance to those belonging to this group.
When reached for comment, Kevin Costner told 2P News’ Yu Mii that, “I don’t do birthday parties… much less for free, in costume, for 5 year-old girls I don’t know! I’m Kevin Costner, b@&%#!”
Stampede Rodeo organizers did not comment on exactly why the Calgary mayor was not accepted as a rodeo clown, citing reasons related to privacy and sensitivity, but they did say that Calgary’s top dog was passed along to other departments within the Stampede Organizing Committee for consideration for other jobs.
“Errr… yeah… the clown thing was just not a fit for Joki despite her clown-like appearance, demeanor, and mannerisms, so we forwarded her application to the Attractions Department recommending that she be considered to man a brand new Ask the Mayor Anything kiosk. At this pop-up attraction, situated in the middle of the midway, the mayor can field questions around the climate emergency that is localized over the City of Calgary’s legal boundaries!” – Ben Derhover, CS Attractions Department
Multiple attempts to reach Mayor Gonyet for comment have gone unanswered. Rumour has it that she is in the midst of cooking up her own Stampede attraction called Vulcan or Not a Vulcan, where passersby can win prizes for correctly identifying the planet the city boss is from.