So's your wife.

As a public service to our mostly male readers, 2P News hesitantly presents a list of what females say versus what they really mean.  Pay attention.  It could save your bacon.

Lady Shortspeare

In George Orwell’s classic novel 1984 he predicted the government would re-make language to something called “Newspeak” that could mean whatever the government wanted it to, in order to confuse and control the proletariat.  It included phrases like “War is Peace” and “Love is Hate”.  In my own little world, there is Lady Shortspeare who is the queen of indirectness and misdirection.  Here are a few examples of what I have learned from her and many other women:

What They Say                                                Real Meaning

Yes.                                                                Maybe yes, but probably no.

No.                                                                 No.

Maybe.                                                           No.

I’m not upset.                                                 Of course I’m upset, imbecile!

We should talk.                                               You’re in big trouble.

Fine.                                                              The opposite of fine.

Do what you want.                                          Do what I want.

You never listen.                                             I’m going to keep mumbling.

I didn’t hear you.                                            I’m ignoring you.

I’m sorry.                                                       You’ll be sorry.

I’m tired.                                                        No sex tonight.

I have an appointment.                                   No sex tonight.

Look at the time.                                            No sex tonight.

I’m almost ready.                                           I’m nowhere near ready.

I’m not hungry.                                               I’ll just eat some of your food.

I’ll be just a minute.                                       Find a place to sit down.

Nothing’s wrong.                                            Everything is wrong.

You don’t need to get me anything.                 Minimum budget $100.

We can still be friends.                                   Goodbye forever.

It’s not you, it’s me.                                       It’s you.

Tell me the truth!                                           Tell me what I want to hear.

Catching on to her real meaning was a trial-and-error process, mostly error.  My crenulated cranium will attest to that.  It’s really just another aspect of the Mars-Venus thing.


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