It is high time the Calgary Zoo renovates animal enclosures.

CALGARY, Alberta – The Calgary Zoo will be revamping many exhibits next spring with a new theme that showcases one man’s love of animals and rocks of the world. Samuel Black, a victim of the geological purge that ran rampant through Calgary over the last few years, has been hired full-time by the Calgary Zoo. His 5-year contract requires that he refocus the Calgary Zoo’s current exhibits and enclosure environments on geology and the world’s rocks in a way that showcases animals and their love of rocks.

The new renovation will be fairly involved and require some heavy equipment from the oil and gas sector.  Samuel has designed a large series of faults to be induced within real rock with hydraulic fracturing equipment for realistic effect.  He is also planning on hauling several metric tons of tar sands and bitumen into the dinosaur section. Certain specific lithologies and bulk rock will be flown in and installed in boutique and exotic animals enclosures to make those animals feel more at home in their natural geological ecosystems. And for a realistic experience for guests who visit the zoo by motor vehicle, the parking lot will now be covered with 15 API crude oil that are designed to look like the oil seeps that were commonplace on earth over 200 million years ago.

Mayor Joki Gonyet has nothing but praise for Mr. Black and the plans he has to revamp the zoo and make it more realistic. The City of Calgary top boss spoke to 2P News Yu Mii this morning.

City of Calgary Mayor Joki Gonyet

“Some of these species have been around for millions of years, yet our phoney ‘rock’ enclosures were built back in 1984 – something doesn’t match there with the timing. so to bring in real rocks for the enjoyment of the animals and human visitors alike just makes 100% logical sense. I believe the animals will be much happier in surroundings that make them feel more at home.” – Mayor Gonyet

The cost of the program is expected to increase admission prices by roughly $25 per person. The city expects that the new geological focus will provide great value to customers while increasing revenue from the city zoo by 67%.

But not everybody is happy with the idea as it is seeing stiff opposition from the extreme activist group Friends of Animals and the Environment (FATE), who feel that hydraulic fracturing is a terrible idea and hauling in tonnes of tar sands and 3 API bitumen can be a hazard to animals and the environment.

Sunchild Smilymoon, Just a hippy on a fence.

“I’m no rocket surgeon, but that bitumen stuff is dirty and it belongs in the ground. and Fracking? Come on now! For how long have we heard how terrible that is for humans let alone zoo animals. I will protest this plan today, tomorrow, and even the next day. I’ll climb into the tiger exhibit and glue my hand to the existing foam rocks if I have to to make sure this plan is stopped in its tracks” – sunchild smilymoon, Fate Wokesperson.

Despite the opposition, the City of Calgary plans to move ahead with the plans. Mr. Black is heading up the demolition team which expects to have a wrecking ball delivered to the zoo on October 15th, 2023. Real rocks, fracking crew with pumping trucks, and bitumen deliveries are set to start very early in the new year.

To help with marketing the upgrade and more realistic Calgary Zoo, Mayor Joki Gonyet has drafted a new slogan, which is, “Come visit the revamped Calgary Zoo. It’s rocks and rocks of fun!”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here