CALGARY, Alberta – A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change and global warming are not attributed to various human activities, but rather to the Sun. Yes, the good ol’ Sun.

The study, which took over 3 weeks to complete, compared how much heat energy the Sun provided to the planet Earth, compared to the heat generated within and on the surface of the Earth, and according to Dr. Harry Schwackhammer, the chief scientist on the study, there was no comparison.

Dr. Harry Schwackhammer, chief scientist in the study, who holds a Ph.D. in petroleum engineering

“The proponents of climate change, including that glorified moron Al Gorey, have been blaming the burning of oil and natural gas as the chief cause of global warming. But has anybody stopped to think that the massive 27,000,000 degree fahrenheit fireball 7 light-minutes away has anything to do with it?! People really need to give their head a shake and start thinking about where the heat is actually coming from in the first place.

Without the Sun, we wouldn’t have very much going on down here on Earth, but I can tell you for damn sure that there would be no global warming. So through that sort of reasoning, we were able to indisputably conclude that the Sun is to blame.”

According to the study, the heat energy generated at the core of the Earth provides enough useable energy for geothermal technologies, but for very little else. And the heat energy generated by human activity accounts for an immaterial impact on climate change – if any. What’s more is that the study concludes that there is no other possible source of heat within a reasonable proximity of the Earth that could cause its average temperature to rise.

The-Sun-by-Hubble (Large)
The Sun, which is now the irrefutable cause of global warming.

The core of the  group’s research focused on a pie chart that accurately depicts Planet Earth’s heat sources, as shown below. The pie chart supports the study’s theory that the heat energy generated by the sun is real, and it is science that can be measured, unlike the baseless opinions formed by the super trendy enviroterrorist movements sweeping across the planet.

Pie chart released by the group of scientists on this study, which pretty much sums up their 3 weeks of hard work.

Reports from the opponents of this study claim that it is fixed, by virtue of the scientists in the group being formally trained in petroleum engineering and petroleum geosciences, and the fact that none of them took even the most basic environment course. Furthermore, the naysayers point out that the study was entirely funded by the same oil and gas majors who employ the handsomely compensated scientists who conducted the study.

River Liberty, head of the Calgary chapter of the Pembina Cardium Institute

“Dude, this study is a bunch of malarkey. The scientists and oil companies behind it are full of shit, man. The sun creates life, man… it doesn’t do us no harm.

Assholes driving Humvees 30 km to work, each way, are the problem, man… and the soccer moms driving around town in their Escalades, man, they are doing all the damage. They gotta get on bicyles, man… like me… I can triple on this bike cause I got pegs, man… Stick it to the man, man… yeah…”

Due to an inordinate number of complaints lodged against the study to the Better Study Bureau, the study is currently under investigation as investigators search for irrefutable evidence of the 3 week study. Moreover, the study’s results will be reevaluated by a 15-member panel of environmental scientists whose Ph.D.’s focussed on global warming and climate change.


  1. @Michael75: You know, we ask ourselves the same question all the time, and we have yet to satisfactory answer it, even in our minds.

    For what it’s worth, some of the best ideas for articles comes from a chemical or alcohol enhanced frame of mind.

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