File photo. Kim Jong-un. Seriously? How is it even possible to get hair that flat, man? Come on.

ITHACA, New York – Every good piece of science needs a datum, a place from which to start measuring. As you read this, NASA’s ICESat whizzes above your head as it measures how badly, and at what rate, we are making sea levels rise by doing things like producing and burning fossil fuels. The only way NASA can do this is by relying on a very, very large, perfectly flat, non-moving surface in a place with zero cloud cover. Salar de Uyuni in Bolivia is that place – it was the flattest place on earth, until very recently.

A team of scientists at Cornall University’s Department of Applied Engineering Astrophysics recently discovered a surface on earth that is so flat, that it makes Salar look as bumpy as the skin on the face of former Alberta premier Rachel Notley.

It turns out that this surface is the hair of North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un. The study’s lead author, Dr. Ranger Blackenbush, described how her group was able to determine this scientific fact.

Dr. Ranger Blackenbush

“We gotta be honest with you, it really wasn’t that difficult. While flipping through our engineering department’s student union magazine, I saw a photo of Kim Jong-un and thought, ‘Wow, he has a flat-ass hairdo! I wonder exactly how flat it is?!?!’ and that’s what kinda kicked things off.”

According to the study, the group was able to prove the flatness of his hair with nothing more than his photograph and a superimposed construction square. Above his the image used for the study’s ‘before’ case. Below, you can see the photograph used in the ‘after’ case. The construction square not only shows how flat his hair is, but also how it is organized on the sides of his head at a perfect square, which is actually very difficult to achieve.

The study’s lead author continued, “You can see from the image above, which is really all of the scientific work behind the 420-page study, that the level lines up pretty damn good with the top and side of his hair. And, really, can you think of anything more flat?”

Neil deGrasse Tyson, the popular astrophysicist from the NASA Institute of Technology, “If you were to blow up Kim Jong’s head to the size of the United States of America, and assume it was perfectly flat, the single most rogue hair on his head would sit only 3 inches above the ground. Now that’s fascinating.”

While conducting this research, the group at Cornall University learned that North Korea just added the following 6 hairstyles to the men’s collection of government mandated hair styles for the grooming-progressive country.

Rumours abound the 2P News office that at least 3 of the 6 staff plan to rock one of the above hairdos in Q1 2021.


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