Hobby Refinery outside of T. Dot
A hobby refinery just outside of the T.Dizzle.

TORONTO, Ontario – Sooperstore grocery stores and other associated Lokjaws companies are set to launch a product unheard of in the history of grocery vending.  A product termed Canned Crude is set to hit shelves in early Q1 in stores in central and eastern Canada.  The Canned Crude is exactly what the name implies – it is mechanically produced crude oil from Alberta, canned, and then shipped to Ontario and Quebec where  “hobby refineries” have become all the rage in basements and man caves alike.

Gaylin Wetson, who is famous for promoting obscure and usually unnecessary items on television ads across Canada (with his trademark pompous smile), believes this product could see huge market share and distribution.  The Lokjaws poster child was stopped and asked about the canning and distribution deal Monday in Toronto,

Gaylin = Awesome!
Gaylin Wetson striking a Stephen Hawking pose.

We see an organic product here and we can use that.  There were no hormones or GMO processes used to make this crude oil, so it is very natural.  If we put the face of a little homeless child on the can, and add a few ingredients like grandmother tears and Quebec maple syrup, I believe it will be a winner in sales for 2014.


And we here at Lokjaws are all about sales volume, so our plan is to market and sell Canned Crude to the public.  Just look at my smile and commercials about other PC branded goods, this will work.  The public consumes them because they are $0.10 less per can than real food. And I will visit Alberta to shoot a series of commercials on wellsites with those pumps moving around in the background to make Easterners see how authentic and natural this product is. – Gaylin Wetson (maybe drunk?)

A recent surge of home refining has taken place and perked the interest of the Wetson industry.  Apparently, recent ex-employees of manufacturing have begun to build small basement and garage refining processors in order to make their own fuel cheaper.  The supply of raw crude was to much for most however, as shipments were required to be of sizable volumes to make trucking economic.

Smaller 1 liter and 4 liter cans will make that more accessible to home refiners.  It’s that simple.  Dick Journew, a spokesman for Lokjaws product development.

A special canning facility has been opened in Alberta near the town of Hardisty.  With a process capacity of 10,000 cans per day, and within close proximity to existing pipeline facilities, the location was apparently chosen months ago when the idea first surfaced.  The facility will cost $10 million to construct, and provide careers in oil canning for up to 250 residents of the already busy town.

refinerybustLaw enforcement in the urban areas of Toronto and Ottawa are worried about the use of non-pure bitumen and crude imported from the USA and eastern Canada.  Home refiners need a pure, quality product to begin with or there are huge risks during the refining process.  We need this new Canned Crude to make sure we are ensuring safety in these communities. – Jorge Draginoff, CPOD Chief


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