OTTAWA, ONTARIO – The Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC) today issued a dire warning about the ill effects of consuming large quantities of poutine. The popular dish consisting of fried potatoes, cheese curds and gravy (and often other mystery ingredients) is almost universally available in Canada and is quite popular. Dr. Hardin Arterie, Director of PHAC, gave the following reasons for issuing the warning to all health-conscious Canadians.
- Nearly all people sick from an unknown malady have eaten poutine at some time.
- 99.9% of people who die from cancer of the tongue have eaten poutine.
- 99.7% of people who are involved in aircraft and automobile accidents have eaten poutine within the previous decade.
- 93% of all juvenile offenders come from homes where poutine is served frequently.
- Among the poutine eaters who were born in 1872, 100% have died.
- All living poutine eaters born between 1919 and 1929 have lost their teeth, have really wrinkled skin, failing eyesight and brittle bones. In general, they have failing health and a bad attitude.
- Rats force-fed 10 kilos of poutine daily for 30 days died and not with a smile on their faces.
- Vladimir Putin eats poutine and he’s the world’s biggest asshole. He is trying to replace borscht with poutine as the national dish of Russia.
- The world’s few remaining communists approve of poutine. Even the Chinese, although it is difficult and messy to eat poutine with chopsticks.
- USA president Joe Biden once ate a meal of poutine and look what it did to him.
We at 2P News believe that this alarmist warning is unwarranted. Our personal experience is that none of these “facts” are applicable to modern Canada. Indeed, poutine with bacon is regularly served in our lunchroom and we are still alive and functioning at a remarkably high level. So there.
In case you’re wondering where the first three items in the above list went, blame it on McGuillicuddy’s inordinate sensitivity. He lives on the stuff.