DENVER, Colorado – A new fitness incentive program has cut the data acquisition costs for Reacheround Energy, now based in Denver Colorado.  The program began as a way to help the company’s growing workforce.  Literally.  Since the intermediate E&P began throwing employee appreciation lunches and parties, along with office catering in the kitchen on every floor, the average employee has gained 40 to 50 pounds.  Mitch Grandinpant had this to say:

Mitch Grandinpant
Mitch Grandinpant

We intended to do a nice thing for our people.  But we misjudged the extent of which they would love the new food and drink program.  They really got, well, big.  And this is nothing glandular or chemical, this is just pure gluttony.

I never should have paid Dunkin Doughnuts a year in advance for all you could eat donuts in every kitchen.  As a way to reverse this effect, one of our data managers had a great idea.  I think.

Marvin Dright has proposed that all of the overweight employees be given a week of leave during which he or she is to go out to the field and help with seismic data acquisition.  What this means is that each individual would be trained to jump, as a group, up and down near geophones and seismic lines, creating the vibration necessary to gather seismic data without hiring thumper or dynamite crews.  This program would involve a little coordination, but could work wonders for Reacheround’s costs, as well as making its staff healthier.

Marvin Dright, chief seismician

If we can time it just right, it will work.  I have calculated that we need 50-60 employees every 400 yards.  If timed accurately, we can achieve all the reflection we need to see our zone of interest.  The staff may not like it to begin with, but it will be a great company team activity – not to mention that the staff get exercise and burn calories by jumping up and down.  We could even have them do jumping jacks I suppose! – Mr. Dwight, chief seismician.

Although there has been no official comment made from staff members, talk around the water cooler has been strongly against such a program.  Amber Jonasun, an executive assistant at Reacheround Energy, denies gaining any weight while working for the company and refuses to go anywhere to jump up and down.

Amber Jonasun, not happy
Amber Jonasun, not happy

I was the same size when I started as I am now.  So what are they talking about?  The jelly doughnut refills all day are awesome!  And the fact that they have to bring in fresh baking when the other box is empty is spectacular!  We even have all the Coke and Pepsi we can drink without having to choose one or the other!

I love Reacheround, but if they force this fitness crap down our throats I’ll quit.  Then we’ll see if Mr. Grandinpant can get his own damn waffles in the morning.


No official date has been ste for the program to begin, but with the fear of losing staff over the program’s launch, there is a strong possibility Reacheround will take it off the table and simply allow its staff to be happy.


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