My name is Candi. I am an engineer working for a design and integrity firm in Calgary. I work with a large number of men and they always do the dumbest things and make the worst mistakes. If I call them on it, I will get harassed and they will hate me. I need to straighten these guys out, and I know I’m right 98% of the time. What should I do? Candi R.
Dear Candi: Okay, here’s the deal. First, don’t worry about what those testosterone bags think of you. You have a 100 point IQ jump on them simply from genetics, and likely another 50 from not self-pleasuring yourself as much as they do. Also, if they are wrong, and they usually are, they will be very dodgy and defensive, so you have the upper hand with your poised confidence. Here are a few of my favourite tips for dealing with arrogant men in the office.
1) The Anti-Homophobe: Quietly duck into the office of one of these arrogant idiots when he’s not around and locate his stack of business cards. Rifle through the stack or box of cards, and on the back of a number of randomly selected cards write, “I’m into guys.” This is guaranteed to cause some confusion, and perhaps awkward moments at meetings and work lunches.
2) The See You Later: Although most guys have good intentions, they are all pretty much idiots. And when most idiots get talking, they often start rambling off on tangents about stuff that makes no sense and does not pertain to the topic at hand. So the next time one of these guys approaches you to talk about something, while he is talking – right in mid-sentence – just walk away without notice. By doing that a few times, you should see a decrease in that idiot stopping to talk to you.
3) The Falsely Accused: This technique is daring, but it typically works quite well. So you’re in the office kitchen or in the printer area, and an idiot guy comes around doing some dumb stuff, like re-use a K-Cup in the coffee machine to save the company money (he’s no doubt an engineer). Once there’s nobody with line-of-sight to you, but plenty of people within earshot, scream at the top of your lungs, “NO, TERRY, I WILL NOT TOUCH YOUR %$*!@^<# – QUIT ASKING ME THAT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!” and then run away crying. There is a pretty good chance that the Mr. K-Cup Recycler won’t be around come morning time.
So that’s about it, Candi. As you can see, the main thing here is to learn to work with idiots, because you sure as hell aren’t going to change them. Guys do dumb shit, it’s in their genetic makeup, they can’t help it – you just need to learn to handle them. You might also want to try applying for a job at Coatex Energy Services, because I heard that they only employ women. You just might have some luck there.