EDMONTON, Alberta – The Province of Alberta just yesterday announced new legislation that will mandate that any and all vehicles used in the commissioning of hydraulic fractures within the province’s borders don mandatory labels that illustrate the dangers of fracking. Some people believe that this move is an attempt by the conservative government to secure a greater chunk of the liberal voter space.
The new labels will be available on both magnetic and adhesive backings, and will be applied in person by high ranking government officials at special stations spread throughout the province. Rumor has it that former Premier Redford will man the station located just outside Nordegg, Alberta.
I fully supported this legislation, because if there’s one thing that I learned as Premier of Alberta, it’s that people didn’t really listen to anything that I had to say, until I screwed up and spent too much money, and then people get all up in arms. Sheesh.
So helping put this law in place has given me a new job, a new purpose, and there’s really not much to putting stickers on the side of a truck. I can handle that. – Former Premier Redford
The labels will depict one of a number of images including one of a child about to drink a glass of water that is on fire, and one that reads, “Frack Mother Earth? FRACK YOU!!”, along with typical skull & cross bones and other symbols that represent the antics of pirates, as well as the horribly evil oil and gas industry.
Critics of the plan believe that it is flawed from the get go. Rick Smeecher, who has been smoking 3 packs a day since 1947, despite the warning labels, claims that the government will have to get more serious that mandate stickers on his truck.
So some suit and tie wearing morons actually believe that a sticker on my truck is going to cause people to further protest fracking and reduce how busy I am through the Bakken? Yeah, sure, like that’s gonna happen. Warning labels don’t work. I almost blew up my deck last night when I lit my BBQ, and it had a warning label. Maybe my wife should have a label, says gets knocked up easy! – Dr. Rick Smeecher, pumper truck operator
Other proponents of the plan recommended to 2P News field correspondent Rodecker Smith that the government should consider implementing a 74% Fracking Tax for all fracking jobs. They claim that this is the only way that fracking will slow down and perhaps discontinue altogether (as the tax increases over time).
The premiers of SK, BC, MB met to discuss the new law and they have agreed in principle that they will consider similar legislation for later this year.
President Obama likes the idea so much that he might autocratically implement the legislation at a federal level in the coming weeks.