BAKERSFIELD, California – Axxis Chemical Co. announced a breakthrough acid treatment for aging oil wells using household vinegar and medical grade hyaluronic acid. The mixture claims to have no environmental impact, and little to no residual effects on organic matter of any kind, including oil.
The acid probably won’t do a damned thing for oil production but the public won’t be alarmed by this type of treatment. In fact, all those old douche bags who have nothing better to do than disrupt stockholder meetings and picket massage parlors will beg for any leftover fluid. – Snark K. Clearasil, Axxis Chemicals Stakeholder Relations Manager
Clearasil continued to tell the press how the miracle compound was created. Axxis chief chemist, Dr. Ingo Prall Freely, got the idea from watching his wife use a cleansing product containing hyaluronic acid to open up her pores.
The stuff made her face look as cratered as the moon. So I figured that if it worked on her leathery old face it could work on the pores of sandstone as well. And why not, she’s just as rough and nearly the same age.
The product was recently tested on the gallstone collection at the Vancouver School of Ethereal Medicine and was found to be totally safe. Ineffective but safe. Dr. Prock Tollogist, Dean of Medical Tomfoolery, observed the results and was certain there would be no
ill effects if the compound was used in a reservoir scenario, even if a spill occurred at surface.
The gallstones fizzed a little but were otherwise unaffected. So we have an unaffected ineffective objective result. I can say with professional medical certainty that this product will have no effects whatsoever. On anything. Ever. – Dr. Prock Tollogist
For a more effective treatment in tight and desiccated reservoirs, Axxis recommends the addition of 25 mikes of lysergic acid diethylamide per gallon. Again, this will do nothing for oil production but no one will care because they all will be looking for a unicorn to ride.
The breakthrough acid compound has already been approved in Denmark and regions of Russia where staffing can be an issue and the completions chemicals can make all the difference when hiring staff for the drilling projects.
The chemical formula and samples of the new compound have been submitted to the EPA and President Obama’s personal secretary, Miss Monica Undertable, for analysis and approval.
<This article was submitted by our friend from SoCal. Thanks BP!>