SANTA BARBARA, California – Dyck Whethers, a well know oil and gas billionaire residing in California, has made it his mission to see all earthquakes within California borders effectively banned and illegal. The proposed legislation was brought up in concept form to alleviate the skyrocketing costs of property damage and human suffering in the Golden State.
I intend to stop it dead in its tracks by offering to halt all earthquakes in California permanently. Using the “proposition” method of creating new laws in California, I will propose that earthquakes be made illegal and deported to Mexico. Indeed, the word itself will be banned and any EFKAE (events formerly known as earthquake) will be referred to as “repositioning.” – Dyck Whethers, CEO of Farther & Deeper Energy Services
Our resident geologist here at 2P explained the basics of earthquakes last night to whoever was still awake. Stress basically builds to the point of release, and as Whethers calls it, “repositions” the rocks. Whethers has a larger plan in mind however, as he also intends to be the one responsible for mitigating the future illegal EFKAEs.
I also propose the drilling of 1,432 wellbores along the San Andreas Fault and injecting a proprietary mixture of chicken fat, granular Teflon and politicians. This will lubricate the fault so movement will be slow and gentle, rather than the sudden catastrophic movements that generate EFKAE. I estimate that it will take 740,000 Halliburton pump trucks, the contents of the Colorado River, every chicken on the planet, two million rolls of Teflon tape from Home Depot, and the US Congress.
Farther & Deeper stands to make billions from the project, not to mention the publicity of being the company that saved California from Mother Earth. Volcanologists and Seismologists from around the globe have spoken out about the proposal, but there is no definitive yay or nay within the community. It would seem that Mr. Whethers has at least some support for his new plan, however.
Lubricating the juxtaposing members of this gigantic sore spot might just be the cat’s meow. If they can get enough lube down those tight, frictionless holes it might just work and let everything glide nicely, letting everyone just relax and enjoy life a little bit more, without all the stress. – Johnny KyKy, Volcanologist from Napa Valley
Although he has no real power, Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed Whethers’ concept, but he was too busy to comment save for a little Queen of England-type wave and a cockeyed smile when Yu Mii approached him in the drive through of a SoCal In-N-Out Burger. If the plan does get approved, 2P News has already sent a list of Canadian Politicians we could deport for use in the program.
If you need to know anything about lubricants, I can help. I’m partial to Madame Wang’s Oriental Motion Lotion.
Oh Kate Foreplay, how do I love you? Let me count the ways. 1… 2… a googolplex, googolplex+1…