Air Canada plans to reduce in-flight turbulence

TORONTO, Ontario – Rough skies have long been the arch nemesis of airlines around the world.  Although turbulence rarely causes any problems other than the usual discomfort and occasional spilled drink, Air Canada has set forth to make the friendly skies more enjoyable for every passenger flying in Canadian air space.

With highly anticipated fanfare and a huge public audience for the announcement, Air Canada has proposed a multi-billion dollar project to pave, or “smoothen” the sky above Canadian soil.  While it sounds ludicrous at first, public spokesman Roberto Languino says it is quite feasible, and actually almost affordable.

We have been working closely with FlatCloud Technologies to develop the hardware and chemicals needed to make this happen.  Along with a newly hired staff of GeoEngineering specialists, we are convinced this is the right way to go.

A proprietary use of aerosol chemicals deployed and spread by specialized hardware drones will improve the skies and eliminate all turbulence for most flights.  We are also planning to modify existing planes with spoilers and scoops to help on a per-flight-basis. – Robert Languino, spokesman

FlatCLoud’s Chief Geo-engineer, Morgan Titszinsky was eager to meet with Yu Mii after the airline’s announcement, and provided additional intricate details about the hardware and chemicals, but of course without divulging any corporate secrets.  Those would cost extra and were unfortunately much more expensive than the 2P budget would allow.

We use a mix of benzo-trapimene-isolates with a few copyrighted Frac-Therm biodalimide compounds, when sprayed in conjunction with a mentholated sulpheric gassifous molybdenite compound, we can essentially flatten out the air, or at least make it homogenous over a pocket of 100 meters or so vertically.

We then fly what is basically a zamboni with massive thermal fins through the interval of treated atmosphere to eliminate residual bumps and mix the chemicals into the air thoroughly.  It worked very well in tests over arctic airspace, with only a 12% residual chemical drift reaching the arctic surface.  More study will be needed to see if the Polar Bears died naturally or as a result of the drifted chems.  Either way, the flight was smooth. – Morgan Titszinsky, P.Eng.

While not yet approved by Harper’s Federal Government, Air Canada has asked for $12 Billion to implement the plan over the first 2 years of development.  The airline has mentioned that ticket prices will go up 23% on average, but notes that its passengers will finally have a smooth flight without all the aggravation of turbulence.

The plan of course will only smooth out Canadian airspace, so flying out of Canada will feel like driving Highway 1 out of Alberta into Saskatchewan.  There is a reason they are called the ‘Rough’riders.