CALGARY, Alberta – A report released late last night has finally solidified what most intelligent Albertans have long feared.  The Notley NDP will increase oil and gas royalties as well as increase corporate tax in Alberta to unprecedented levels effective June 1, 2015.

The royalties will be increased to levels the NDP calculates will more effectively share the oil and gas wealth of the province with its residents, who own them.

The new royalty plan calls for a 25% royalty on oilsands production and development, 25% on all thermal development, 25% unconventional oil and gas development, and a whopping 25% on conventional oil and gas development.  So the 48-page document could simply have been a 12-page document stating overall royalties will be 25% starting June 1.  Let’s blame the new Kinkos MLA from Edmonton Red River South for that one.  Moving on.

The new corporate tax scheme will see all corporate revenue over $500,000 taxed at a flat rate of 18%.  With a 0.7% increase per annum over 5 years, with a corporate tax rate in 2021 of 19.5%.  Again, we are sure it adds up somewhere, but we’ll have to schedule an interview and ask the MLA from Calgary Beaunesia, Gregory Houtin, about it when he gets off shift at Subway.  He put the plan together seeing as Notley was indisposed.

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Deng Dongbin, President & CEO Bendovus Energy

These rates are out to lunch.  We are going to have to sell the building and move to a more cost effective location.  We have already shopped around for some fair offers, and with the economic climate and the future forecast that we just received, we will be selling the Bow Tower to Melvin’s Plumbing and Heating for $124,000.  We feel that it a great space for the growing company with lots of room for expansion, and we will be comfortable  in our premier office in Houston. – Deng Dongbin, Bendovus

The release of the official plan from the Non Disclosure Party have also spurred a massive round of pre-planned layoffs in Calgary, with nearly 43,000 staff set to be released sometime next week.  The plans were put in place by Devan, Connaco, Anadorko, Sumcor, Finite Resources, and Shall Energy (among others) post election so there would be no time lost once the NDP announced its looming final agenda.

It is also rumoured that Bendovus Energy will be selling its corporate 777 to Notely Air, a non-affiliated, purely coincidental fledgling airline company based out of Drayton Valley.

Artist’s rendition of Calgary today (L) and after 4 years of NDP government.

These corporate tax and royalty changes are in step with the confirmation of a significant minimum wage hike in Alberta that should see many people change careers out of the oil and gas industry to more stress free careers as baristas and greeters.

When asked about the new tax and royalty plans, Joshua Finksin was adamant his life would get better.

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Joshua Finksin, Seasonal manager, Royal Oak Walmart

You mean I don’t have to dress up anymore.  I don’t have to pretend my manager is smarter than me.  I don’t even really have to think.  All I have to do is put soup on the shelf and don’t drop any cans and I’m fine.  With my new $15 wages I don’t even fall into a minimum tax bracket so that’s good too.  Walmart gets a bad rap sometimes, but you know what?  It beats reservoir engineering at Nexen. – Joshua Finksin, Walmart

2P News attempted to reach the Non Disclosure Party, Rachel Notley, Deborah Drever, and even Jon Carson for comment but they would not return our calls.

With this new and absurd pet project to put an end animal abuse, hunger, homelessness, and the pine beetle problems in Alberta, we would have thought the new government would care enough to have a chat with news and media outlets about their policies.


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