Crashent Point Energy acquires the province in a blockbuster $537B deal.
REGINA, Saskatchewan – Breaking news from the easy-to-draw province’s capital this morning where 2P News has just learned that Crashent Point Energy (CPG.TO) has acquired the province of Saskatchewan in a landmark deal costing the company nearly $537 billion in cash and stock.
The acquisition, which at this point only requires federal approval, will see the Calgary-based oil and gas behemoth effectively complete its 10-year plan to acquire the PNG mineral rights to all of southeast Saskatchewan in one fell swoop.
Analysts fully expect that the Federal government will approve the takeover and use the proceeds to pay off debt and to further improve its Universal Child Care Benefit lump sum payments to Canadians with children.
The news has seen the company’s stock up 769% this morning in early trading, making paper millionaires of the majority of the company’s staff and shareholders.
“We have been working very closely with the province of Saskatchewan for years building a strong relationship between operator and regulatory body/mineral owner. But the time came to streamline the process and paperwork by bringing the regulatory and mineral rights domains under the CPG umbrella through this acquisition. The senior management at CPG and I believe that this takeover will elevate the province’s resource development to new heights, all while keeping CPG’s new 1.13 million staff gainfully employed.” – Scotty Saxbert, CEO CPG
Under its new ownership, the province and its inhabitants are expected to see significant changes including, but certainly not limited to, the following:
- CPG will assume full ownership and take direct control of all PNG mineral rights and provincial and municipal organizations and offices.
- Effective immediately, Scotty Saxbert, the President and CEO of CPG, will autocratically assume the role of premier of Saskatchewan while keeping his President and CEO role with CPG. Mr. Saxbert will also be appointed to a new position with title Supreme Almighty Minister of All Things Energy.
- CPG plans to bundle up the potash industry and put it to market to see if there is any interest in this non-PNG mineral that Premier Saxbert believes, “would just be a distraction to everyday business activity.”
- In order to consolidate Saskatchewan’s sole source of professional sports, CPG plans to merge the CFL’s Calgary Stampeders with the Saskatchewan Roughriders to form a few team called the CPG Roughpeders (or perhaps the Stampriders) that will be based out of Lloydminster, a small town that straddles the Alberta-Saskatchewan border.
- All Saskatchewan residents will automatically become full-time CPG employees.
According to reports from those close to CPG executive management, the company’s primary motivation for this acquisition was for the ultimate royalty holiday, and to basically own every other operator in Saskatchewan, including major competitor Bendovus Energy. Mr. Saxbert to Bendovus Energy CEO, “Now what, huh? What?! Who’s the boss now? Pay up yer royalties, suckers!”
Opponents to the plan, including chief energy economist with the Royal Scotia Dominion Montreal bank don’t see how this can ever work.
“The economics just don’t make sense. How can this new company carry the wages and other G&A for an incremental 1.13 million staff, 99.4% of whom don’t work in the PNG sector? It appears that despite Saxbert’s words, we can expect significant layoffs in the near future. Even then, I’m not sure how the economics will go around, and what will the laid off staff do? Move to Alberta or Manitoba? Because they won’t be allowed to stay in Saskatchewan. It just doesn’t work.” – Mick Flittingtern, energy economist
When asked about challenges to the long term viability of the acquisition, Mr. Saxbert simply responded, “We are Crashent Point Energy. We have money. We are aggressive. We get what we want, and we never, ever fail.”