THE HAGUE, Netherlands – Regal Douche Shill announced today that it has recruited and trained a team of Yetis to operate its arctic drilling program.  The twenty-four Yetis in the team are part of a large group that was displaced from their traditional Himalayan home by the massive 8.1 magnitude earthquake that struck Nepal in April of this year.

The Yetis (disparagingly called “abominable snowmen” in the past) were forced down off their mountains by avalanches and were near starvation when found by a rescue team searching for survivors.  This was the first actual contact with the legendary Yetis and the event astounded the scientific community and the world at large.

Mr. Dan D. Lyon, Shill spokesman, said,

Mr. Lyon, with Regal Douche Shill

“It’s a win-win situation for everyone.  The Yetis are a very private species.  They now have a temporary but very secluded home and are earning money to support their families and rebuild their permanent homes in Nepal and Shill has a rig crew that’s right at home with arctic conditions.  They can work safely and efficiently in conditions that would kill anyone else and their physical strength is unbelievable.” – Mr. Dan D. Lyon, Shill spokesman

He added that Shill has made an advance payment that allows the Yetis to begin reconstruction immediately.

Of course, the claims of exploitation began immediately.  Ms. Hortense Delilah Pantiwaste of the Citizens Opposed to Whatever (COW) proclaimed, “How dare Shill take advantage of these poor creatures!  My heart bleeds for them!”  The chief Yeti, who has taken the name “Fred” for convenience of communication with the media, immediately retorted,

“That old heel needs to shut the heck up.  We’re going into this with our eyes wide open and nobody is forcing us to do anything we don’t want to.  So kiss off, all you damned do-gooders.  And PETA?  Look, we’re not human but we’re a hell of a lot more sentient than those dipshits.” – Fred, Chief Project Yeti

Fred went on to say that Shill is treating his team with the greatest respect and is paying them more than enough money to restore their dwellings and acquire formal title to their homeland from the Nepalese government.

Fred (middle) posing for a media photo shoot with Milton Rintitsky (left), Shill’s Arctic Operations Manager and Karly McRooterslue, VP HR Arctic Program

He said, “Once we have title to the land we can legally keep those pesky anthropologists and sightseers away and live in peace.  Then they can go harass Sasquatch and Wendigo.  I know for a fact that Wendigo would love to have them for dinner.  With fava beans and a nice chianti.”


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