Long lineups at typical Tim Hortons restaurant that the company plans to eliminate.

CALGARY, Alberta – Dave Cacahand, President and CEO of Tim Hortons Canada, announced this morning that superstar cash register operator, Rey Rey, at the company’s Gulf Square location in downtown Calgary, has been appointed to Chief Lineup Optimizer. In his new role, the top-notch client services specialist will be responsible for pumping off all of the underperforming and under-optimized lineups across Canada.

In a special interview with 2P News field reporter Yu Mii, it was clear that Rey Rey couldn’t contain his excitement.

Rey Rey, customer service manager, gearing up for Christmas
Rey Rey, customer service manager, gearing up for Christmas

“’Hi there, my friend! Large double-double for you?’ Oh I’m so sorry, I’m just become so used to saying that 3200 times a day for the last 13 years, it sometimes just slips out. I am so glad to be put in the new position and work from head office in Toronto. I hear the lineup in Toronto Timmies can be very, very long, and I can make them very, very short. ‘Good morning, can I help you here? Hello… Medium 2 milk and multigrain bagel for you, my friend… helloooo… that will be $4.27 Tims Card?… Hellooo… Thank you!’ Again, I apologize for that. It’s sometimes hard to focus on anything else than serving my customers.” – Rey Rey, Tim Horton’s new CLO

According to advanced engineering software and associated cameras that the formerly Canadian coffee giant uses to analyze the queue length and customer frustration levels at many of its busiest locations, the Gulf Canada Square outperforms the 2nd best location by many-fold. Thanks in very large part to Rey Rey and his team of customer service technologists, the location processes customers at a blistering 8 transactions per minute, per till.

Rey Rey, a former petroleum production engineer in his hometown of Manila, Philippines, gives full credit to his engineering experience for the reason he is able to, in his own words, “pump off the well” when he’s at the till.

A collection of Rey Rey’s handwritten notes, which were freely provided by Tim Hortons to 2P News, breaks down the secret to his success. The document was translated to English and summarized below with technical translations by the editor:

  • RR: When the well is un-optimized and carrying a high fluid level it’s time for me to jump into action to pump it off.
  • 2P: When the lineup is long and it seems that people near the end are getting frustrated, I must make the lineup shorter.

  • RR: I consider a well to be pumped off when it is carrying roughly 15 joints of fluid with a relatively low bottomhole flowing pressure.
  • 2P: When there are no more than 15 people in the lineup, my customers are satisfied and frustration levels are low.

  • RR: But I have to carry at least 5 joints of fluid in the casing otherwise pump efficiency drops significantly and there’s a high risk of fluid pounding
  • 2P: If there are fewer than 5 people in the lineup, and I have all of my tills open, then my staff becomes unproductive, and that’s unacceptable.

  • RR: It’s hard to control skin damage, but I do my best by stimulating the well or even reperfing up hole in zone
  • 2P: When there are people who just stand there and don’t know what they want, I stimulate the conversation by suggesting a few hot-selling items. Failing this, I will open another till, if available.

  • RR: There have been times when I return from vacation and the well is so unproductive that I just want to shut it in or abandon it altogether, cut and cap it, and reclaim the lease.
  • 2P: When things are sufficiently bad, I sometimes just want to quit from Tim Hortons, and even hope that the entire store closes down and pretend that it never existed.

Although efficient, Rey Rey’s process of optimizing the lineup at the Gulf Canada Square has left a dark and bitter taste in mouths of some people. One of these customers, Daisy Sackrider, has an axe to grind with the overly-happy service manager.

Daisy Sackrider, former Tim Hortons customer
Daisy Sackrider, former Tim Hortons customer

“That Rey Rey guy is nuts! There are times when I am one of three different parties at the till – one guy is receiving his coffee, I’m punching in my PIN, and the guy behind me is placing his order, and we’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder! Buying coffee from Rey Rey used to be the most stressful part of the day. So get this, I approached his till one morning and when he asked if I wanted my usual extra-large dark roast with 1 cream and 2 sugar substitutes, I said ‘no’ because I wanted to try something different. I immediately saw Rey Rey’s face fall. And then, I took 30 or so seconds deciding what fresh-baked goodie I wanted to try, and out of my peripheral vision I could see Rey Rey vibrating behind the till as he mumbled angrily. It was so awkward that I now just go to the Second Cup upstairs.” – Daisy Sackrider, former long-time customer of Rey Rey’s.

In light of some of the negative feedback received from Rey Rey’s streamlined operations, Mr. Cacahand will keep a close eye on customer service levels as his company rolls out the optimization efforts starting in downtown Toronto.


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