Dear Andy: What Can I Do If I’m Laid Off?

Dear Andy:

Like every other oil and gas company employee, I’m fearful of being laid off and I don’t know what else I could do. I’m drawing a blank. There have to be other things a trained engineer can do. Will you help me?  -Lester Q. Snodgrass, P.Eng.

Dear Lester:

Snodgrass? Now that’s a funny name. I can guess what the Q stands for? Quit worrying so much about things you have no control over. But, I’m here to help, so if you get laid off I’ve got a few suggestions:

1. Porn – Most engineers’ home computers have broadband and huge hard drives with lots of unused space. If not, delete your wife’s 682 hours of Oprah and use that space to host a porn site and rake in some extra cash. My site specializes in vintage porn that isn’t copyrighted, so don’t do that. I know where you live.

 2. Career Change – Become a contract killer. It’s not that hard. The messy assassinations you see in the movies with guns and bombs are pure bullshit. A simple “heart attack” or “falling down the stairs” draws a lot less attention and pays just as well, plus it’s a lot less stressful. After all, dead is dead. I know that for a fact.

 3. Fink – Go to your local New Democratic Party office and offer to spill the beans on your employer in return for a cushy government job. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have any real dirt, just make up something. They’ll believe it. For inspiration, I suggest you read previous 2P News articles.

 4. Fake It – Develop “chronic fatigue syndrome” and go sign up with Canada Pension Plan Disability Benefits. The trick will be getting a doctor to agree to the diagnosis. Ask around. I’ve already got one lined up, just in case. It may take a little cash on the side. Combine this with hosting a porn site and you’ll have it made.

 5. Free Rent – Commit a non-violent minor felony and spend the next couple of years in a minimum-security prison. By then, the price of oil should have recovered and you can get your old job back. But with a felony on my record, you ask? But of course. The NDP sees that as a plus and is writing it into provincial law that felons have employment priority.

So there you have it. Five sure-fire suggestions. I ought to charge for this.

Andy Killinger, Staff Counselor 2P News