EDMONTONIA, Alberta – The Walt Disney Corporation announced yesterday that it has agreed in principle to acquire all of the suspended, abandoned, decommissioned, and derelict oil and gas infrastructure from the Alberta government as early as January, 2019. The company is looking to expand its popular theme park business into Canada and build the world’s largest theme park on record.
Justine Sydemee, Disney’s CEO and Chairwoman spoke at a press conference at a Humpty’s Restaurant in Sherwood Park, Alberta yesterday morning.
“What can I say? We are excited about the prospect of expanding into Canada using an existing base infrastructure that will keep our development costs down. Nobody was using this abandoned stuff up there anyhow, and I know we can make the most of it. I will show the people of alberta that with the right business mindset money *can* be made with oil and gas infrastructure!” – Justine SYdemee, Disney CEO
Although the Disney Corporation is planning on keeping details around its new oil-and-gas-themed theme park under wraps until its grand opening, a source very close to the company told 2P News field correspondent Cynthia Redbush that Disney is planning to call it Petro Fun World.
Another source very close to the situation, who spoke to 2P News under strict conditions of anonymity, described a number of rides that she heard will be featured at the new park.
- The Pump Jack Off: This ride is similar to a mechanical bull, but instead of the rider sitting on a bull, he or she is strapped just behind the horse head of a formerly shut-in pump jack while its special 100,000 HP prime mover is progressively sped up from 0 SPM to over 120 SPM. The object of this ride is to see how much time elapses before the rider is jacked off the pump.
- Middle Management Mayhem: This mysterious kids’ ride moves very, very slowly and doesn’t really do much.
- The Polished Rod Challenge: Five participants step up to 5 pump jacks that are setup side-by-side. Each person grabs the polished rod right close to the stuffing box as the jacks are sped up. The goal of this carnival game is to see who can hold on the longest before things get too hot!
- ESD Countdown: In this game, up to 20 participants enter a recommissioned gas plant. The plant is rigged to gradually pressure up 1 or 2 of a number of pressure vessels/tanks to over 1000% of their rated Maximum Operating Pressure over the course of 15 minutes. The participants must find the right ESD switch to prevent catastrophe. For an extra thrill, riders can ask to have an ominous and progressively louder ticking noise play during the course of the ride.
- Drill Bit Spinner: This take on the ever popular Strawberries kids’ ride is sure to be a hit parents and preschoolers alike. Children are strapped to a tri-cone drill bit that sits atop an apparatus resembling a farm of inverted kelly tables. The bent stand of drill pipe provides for hours of family fun once the tables get going. For an extra $2, parents can have their children hold onto dear life on a PDC bit.
- The CEO: This nifty ride is very simple. Participants are handed play money and asked to stand in a dimly-lit room. A few minutes later, all of the play money is gone (and often times any real money or valuables) and the participants are just left there feeling used.
- Landman Liberator: This one is designed for children looking to enter the Landman profession. Kids run around a penned area stealing pieces of sod from other participants.
- Camp Cook Calamity: In this throwback to childhood cafeteria hi-jinx, participants are handed moldy food to throw at balloons in an attempt to win little bottles of crude. The more balloons hit, the higher API the crude.
- GeoBounce: This ride is particularly suited to larger crowds. Up to 50 riders enter a 30’x30′ square trampoline and strategically placed seismic thumper trucks bounce the heck out of ’em.
- The Regulator: With a dark Terminator-themed design, this ride promises to offer tremendous fun at the onset. However, after everybody has paid to ride it and has been strapped in, the carny, who is an ex AER employee, kicks everybody off for no apparent reason whatsoever. Rinse and repeat.
Alberta’s Energy Minister was quoted as saying,
“Well, we had this old stuff just sitting around with all sorts of abandonment liabilities associated with it, operators want nothing to do with it, the regulator doesn’t want anything to do with it, and quite frankly neither does the government. So the idea that somebody was willing to buy it all, for pennies on the dollar, was very appealing to me and Ol’ Skelator…eerrr… sorry… Big ol’ Mean Boss Lady… ummmm.. pardon me,… Premier Notley” – Marg McCuaig-Boyd, Alberta Energy Sinister
Swift opposition and push-back to the planned theme park comes from the Alberta Safety Board’s CEO B.J. Cobbledick-Winters. “We do not think it is a good idea to re-purpose aging oil and gas equipment and infrastructure for leisurely activities, no matter the business case.”
In a statement released through the Government of Alberta’s press secretary yesterday, Mrs. Brownie Shytles stated that the Notley government is planning to collect Royalties from Disney’s operations citing that it has the rights to the entertainment value afforded by this infrastructure seeing as much of it is still physically connected to the minerals that belong to the province.